


Finding The Right One

by storm_dog_pirate



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, College AU, F/M, Gen, Grishaverse Big Bang 2019, Lots of narration, Modern Setting, Mutual Pining, brother and sister trying to outwit each other lol, idiots to lovers, linnea has a role here, of course, the two are still idiots tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:13:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 34,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21984988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storm_dog_pirate/pseuds/storm_dog_pirate
Summary: Ravka University’s Golden Boy and Storm—two totally opposite people join forces in finding each other’s “ideal person” for the sake of “finally finding happiness”. Being the head of their department’s student council and knowing each other since their senior years in high school, they both thought that finding the right one for the other would be easy. But it wasn’t as they’d expected.Could they finally realize that the one they were looking for was already in front of them?
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 12
Kudos: 122
Collections: Grishaverse Big Bang 2019





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this work to my gang members, and to all you wonderful people in the fandom. Two months of sobbing over writing this is definitely worth it. Love y'all!

The agreement was simple: be on campus before seven for the meeting of the upcoming event of the Engineering Night happening in less than a month.

Zoya released an exasperated breath as she checked her watch. It was thirteen minutes past seven, and Nikolai was still nowhere to be seen. The said Golden Boy was good at almost everything, but coming on time was never in that list and it made Zoya want to throw at least five alarm clocks at him if it meant getting him up at the right time.

The two other members were already present in the student council room, the people assigned by the elected president himself. They looked like they were still fighting off sleep as they sat at the opposite sides of the table.

Genya was holding a cup of coffee in both of her hands, staring at the liquid with narrowed eyes, like she was plotting on how to murder it.

David had his laptop open in front of him already, squinting from time to time as he continued to type vigorously on the spreadsheet and write on a small notebook on the side. 

When the final results of the council presidential election were announced, Zoya wasn’t surprised when Nikolai won by a landslide. Besides, who wouldn’t trust the Golden Boy of Ravka University? Consistent dean’s lister, an active member of the music club and the Ravka Dance Crew, and unfairly handsome—just as Nikolai liked to describe himself. 

It only became a surprise to her when Nikolai had suddenly appeared in front of her at the library, clumsily sitting down and asking her if she wanted to be his vice president.

Zoya’s first thought was to chuck the book she was reading at his head. 

But she had remembered that they were in a library and doing the said thought would cause a commotion that was most likely not allowed in the place. 

At first she thought Nikolai was just messing with her, but his face had shown no sign of mischief—which was quite a rare sight to her—and Zoya realized that he was really being serious about it. He’d told her that there was no one he trusted enough to lead alongside him.

It took a few short days of convincing before Zoya finally agreed, and she was surprised that the crew Nikolai had handpicked were their old colleagues. They were nearly inseparable after they’d settled their coordination—like the gears of a well-oiled machine.

Now she found herself starting the meeting fifteen minutes late because she knew that if they continued to wait for Nikolai, they would probably be late for their Monday classes. 

“Well, since our golden president is still not here, I’ll do the honors.” Zoya took a swig of coffee from the small thermos in her hand, pulling the portable whiteboard at the head of the table, its squeaking wheels echoing throughout the room. “David, status report.”

She held a hand out, and Genya quickly tossed her a marker. 

David gave his chin a scratch before looking up from his laptop. “Let’s start with the things still needed to do,” he said, then he was enumerating the things he had written on his list. 

Zoya proceeded to write it on the board, slightly appalled that there still were several tasks left needed to be done, two which were crucial and must be on priority. 

“I’ve already talked to the head of the facilities,” Genya added, finally looking up from her coffee. “They said that it was already approved that they would let the setting up of the stage at the center of the track oval.”

“Thank goodness that’s out of the list.” Zoya let out a huff, and then she remembered what she had done for the requirements to be done. “I’ve run the permits and completed it a week ago. They said they’d get back to me in a few days. I swore to the saints in heaven if they still wouldn’t have given me any updates tomorrow, I would shove their foot up their asses.”

Genya let out a laugh. “Well, what do you expect? It’s Ravka.” 

The door barged open, and someone appeared at the threshold. All heads turned to the doorway as the blonde boy stood still and stared back at them.

Zoya raised a brow and eyed the wall clock at the opposite side of the room. “You’re late.” She gave her best cold expression that she was known for, which always left most people cowering back or visibly shaken, but Nikolai had always been immune to it. “It’s seven-twenty.”

Nikolai gave her a grin, and Zoya wanted to throw the thermos she was holding at him. “I’m the president. You’re just early,” he replied.

Zoya erased her previous thought. She’d kill him instead. 

Nikolai must have sensed her deadly idea because he laughed lightly, raising both of his hands up in surrender. “Okay, I’m joking. I’m sorry for being late. Shall we continue in bad-mouthing our dear Ravka?” He turned to Zoya and mouthed something to which she understood as, _My insomnia sucks._

She felt her small irritation dissipate as she eyed Nikolai settling his bag in the shelf at the far corner. True enough, the dark circles under his eyes were proof of his restlessness. His sleeping disorder often slipped from her mind—though she had witnessed how it affected him during the nights it was at its peak. 

Bombardment of memes at one in the morning, when Zoya was still up finishing her lab reports or reviewing for a test, the constant sound of a message being received echoing through her room. 

Or the sudden calls in the middle of the night where Nikolai mostly asked or told her any random shit he’d think of until Zoya would hear him snoring softly in the background before she ended the call and went back to sleep. 

“Confirmation about the guest band we’ve planned to invite?” David asked, snapping Zoya out of her thoughts.

“I’ve talked to them yesterday, and they confirmed already,” Nikolai answered as he put his glasses on.

“So that’s two crucial things down,” said David, crossing out on the page of his notebook.

Zoya clicked her tongue as he started walking towards their table. It caught his attention, and he stopped midway.

Nikolai met her eyes with a questioning look. She gestured at his shirt, tapping at her chest gently. He raised a brow as he looked at his blue button-down, and winced when he noticed the top two buttons were in their wrong places, leaving the material in a rumpled mess. 

“Thank you,” he mouthed to Zoya. 

She only shrugged, but she was actually fighting a ghost of a smile twitching its way to her face. 

More than an hour later, their meeting finally adjourned with things looking good for them, and just in time for the start of Nikolai and David's first class of the day. David had already gone out of the room—in a slight hurry because still needed to consult for his thesis.

“By the way, I’m still talking with one of the sponsors. Still quite hesitant, they are, and not that easy to charm,” Nikolai told the two girls just as he was about to exit the room. “I’ll update you about my friendly chat with them as soon as possible.” 

Genya nodded. “You got it.”

“Hey, Lantsov.” Zoya paused for a second before grabbing the thermos she had set on the table some time earlier. She tossed it to Nikolai, who caught it with surprising ease. “It’s coffee. You need it more than me.”

Nikolai stared at her, to the thermos, and then back at her. His face gave mixed reactions at once—but it was mostly shock. “Wow, I think this is the first time you shared your holy drink with me.” 

“Don’t get used to it.” 

The smile he gave her was fond, and he raised the container in a toast-like fashion with a matching wink. “Thanks, my ruthless truffle.” Then he was out of the room. 

Zoya just shook her head and went back to arranging the small stack of paper in front of her, her brows creased into a slight frown. It was when she felt a weight in the air did she look up from her work and she saw Genya staring at her, amusement evident on her face.

“What?” 

“So when are you two going to date?” asked the redhead.

_Great, here we go again._ “I’ve told you for like a million times,” Zoya said exasperatedly, setting a tired hand on a table, “I don’t date.” When Genya still didn’t look convinced, she added, “At least not anymore.”

The other girl laughed. “’My ruthless truffle’? It’s already given that Nikolai loves making nicknames for everyone but he only calls you that,” Genya said. “We all know he _worships_ chocolate truffles.”

Zoya snorted. “He calls me that because he knows I don’t like truffles.” It was actually true, but Genya didn’t seem to buy it. Nothing would ever convince her.

“Oh, really?”

“Alright, where’s this conversation going?” 

“I don’t know, where do you want it to go?”

“Genya,” said Zoya, her voice tired, “it’s never going to happen.”

And it was the truth. Nikolai deserved better—the world, even. The boy was full of light and purity and optimism; he always saw the good in everything and it was only one of the many things that made him all-Nikolai. 

He was the Golden Boy, all in heart and nature, and Zoya was surprised he’d stayed close with her throughout the years after the disaster back in their senior year in high school. Even more when they both enrolled at the same university, and in the same major, resulting in them being always together. And thanks to that, there were some rumors circulating in their department about them being a thing. 

She would never know what made him trust her, despite the rough nature and sharp tongue that she had. Nikolai saw all of who she was, and he didn’t mind one bit.

But who was she? The famous Storm. The one who could make people shrink back with the mere raise of an eyebrow. Merely thinking of that fact would already make the thought Genya wanted unrealistic, and it would stay that way.

Zoya _intended_ to make it stay that way.

“I’ll be staying at the library for the meantime. Probably until the next class at eleven.” Zoya pushed the stack of papers to the side and pinned it down with the puncher. “Message me if you need anything.” 

She gave the redhead a half-hearted smile before she was out of the room. 

**************************************

Nikolai thought his day couldn’t get any better. At times when he was proven wrong, he’d gladly accept it and find it rather amusing that he had actually made a mistake. 

But when he wasn’t able to attend his Numerical Methods class due to some apparent reason, he realized that he didn’t particularly like this day to be proven wrong.

First was his day starting early—as early as one in the morning when he was hit with the restlessness of his mind for the nth time. He had actually itched to call Zoya again, but he remembered that he had already done that just a few nights ago when he was in the same state, so he decided to read the upcoming lesson of their major instead. That resulted in him falling asleep sometime past five, and waking up late for the council meeting he set at seven.

Their dreaded Thermodynamics midterm exam was moved from Friday two weeks from now, to Monday at least three weeks from now, and Zoya had been cursing all throughout the time they made their way to that class until it started. She had been berating the fact that it was going to be very late for a midterm examination as it was already nearing to the finals week.

Halfway through the said major subject, their professor had given them a surprise quiz which literally came out of nowhere, and Nikolai’s still sleep-deprived mind was only able to comprehend and answer half of the questions. It ended up with Nikolai and Zoya drinking yet another cup of coffee from the cafeteria after class while talking—debating—about their own answers, and the people within earshot probably thought they were arguing. 

Later when Zoya left for her part-time job at a coffee shop a few blocks down, Nikolai found himself in their student council room and he decided to get a shut-eye for a while before his two remaining classes. 

He didn’t expect that his body would betray him despite the alarm he set on his phone beside him.

It was David who found him passed out on a chair by the window and had to kick his leg a few times to wake him up fully. Nikolai was thankful of the fate that brought David to the council room and woke him, otherwise he was sure he’d be able to sleep until saints know when.

Though the catch was the time on his phone being 16:30 when Nikolai checked it groggily and it was like a big slap to the face because he had a math class at three. 

“You have to take care of yourself more, Pres,” David had said, and Nikolai couldn’t help the grateful look had appeared on his face. The other man wasn’t someone with many words, yet he always spoke the right ones. “Make sure you sleep properly tonight.” 

_I wish I could tell that to my insomnia_ , he thought to himself as he sent a salute to David’s way with a grin. “I’ll try, Dr. Phil.” 

David only shook his head with a light laugh before waving goodbye and going his own way. 

Nikolai gave a long sigh as he currently made his way to the expanse of the parking lot at the side of the university, almost dragging himself across to where he parked his old Buick muscle car before his body gave out in exhaustion. It was only a quarter past seven, but he could already feel the want of sleep coming his way.

The universe must have been angry with him today for an unknown reason because it chose the right time to start raining heavily. 

It took him a minute to remember where he parked his car and made a beeline towards it. Nikolai was already drenched by the time he reached the forsaken car and practically threw himself inside. 

He tossed his bag in the backseat and removed his button-down, throwing it in a heap on the passenger seat. His gray undershirt was almost black from being drenched in the rain, and Nikolai could already feel the coldness seeping in from the damp material. Plus, his glasses were blurry with droplets that stuck on the lenses. 

It was too easy to believe that the universe and fates didn’t favor him today, and they both decided to throw shit at his way.

With a small chuckle over his thoughts, Nikolai pulled out from the parking lot and drove out of the campus. He reached over to his glove compartment and silently prayed that he had the spare towel stashed in there, otherwise he’d most likely catch a cold by tomorrow. 

It was the first favor the day did to him when he was able to grab hold of the material.

“Thank the heavens,” Nikolai mumbled, violently drying his hair and neck with a hand as he turned right towards the main intersection. 

The rain only seemed to get heavier and the wipers had to be continuously turned on to maintain a visible view of the road in front. He slowed to a stop by the intersection and waited for the light to turn green. 

Nikolai wiped off the water from his glasses as he took the time to think about what he needed to do, but his mind only seemed to scream “sleep” and he knew it was the only thing needed to be done for tonight. Or probably drink a nice cup of coffee again. 

He slipped his glasses back on just in time to see the stoplight signaling ‘go’ and he stepped on the gas. 

As Nikolai kept a minimal pace with the other cars near him, the bus stop by the other side of the intersection came into view. He squinted against the bright lights of the cars and lampposts combined, and his eyes caught a familiar figure by the shed.

She was supposed to be home at this time. 

Pulling into a stop by the curb, Nikolai rolled the window by the passenger’s seat down and bowed his head a little to look through. He flashed her a grin. “Need a lift, truffle?” he called out through the rain.

He was rewarded with a deep scowl as she bent down in level with his window. Zoya’s eyes widened for a bit when a look of recognition dawned upon her face. She was already soaked despite the roof of the bus stop over her. “Nikolai?” 

“The one and only.” 

Zoya gave him a puzzled look. “What are you doing here?”

“I have class until seven, remember? And I happened to spot you when I passed. You’re going to get sick. Get in, I’ll drive you home.” 

Nikolai saw a flash of relief on her face as she jogged towards the passenger door and got inside in a hurry. He pulled from the curb and started to drive, offering the towel from his head to Zoya. She grabbed it with a muffled thanks and threw the button-down he left at the seat earlier to him.

“The bus must have been stuck somewhere. I’ve been waiting for half an hour already,” Zoya muttered as she dried her hair roughly. She looked weirdly at the towel. “This smells like it’s been in a cramped space for a while and mixed with the scent of your shampoo.”

Nikolai wrinkled his nose. “It actually was. Take it or leave it, Nazyalensky.”

“I have no choice, do I?” 

“Yep, don’t have any.” He paused as he took a U-turn and went back the way he came from. Zoya lived in the much quieter part of the city, and it was on the opposite side of where Nikolai was staying at. “Wasn’t your shift supposed to be done at five? It’s already half past seven.” 

“A co-worker had an emergency and needed to go right away. Volunteered to cover up until the next came in.” Zoya reclined the car seat and leaned back more comfortably, her face obscured by the towel. “And I still have some shit to do.”

Nikolai chuckled. “Such a hardworking and selfless passenger I have here. Ravka is blessed to have you.”

“I’m going to kick you for that,” Zoya muttered, words muffled by the towel still over her face. 

“What? I’m just stating the truth.”

“Focus on the road, Lantsov.” 

“Harsh.”

“ _Being_ careful.”

Nikolai gave a light laugh and shook his head. Their exchanges could go like this for hours, and neither of them would mind. Some people still couldn’t imagine them working together for the council, all because of their known opposite personalities, but it’s actually what made it easier.

It was just as easy as breathing. 

He had known Zoya for years, and Nikolai surely knew that he trusted this woman with his life.

A comfortable silence followed soon after, nothing but soft sound of the rain bouncing on the roof could be heard. He appreciated some certain times like this—it helped quiet the roaring thoughts in his head that were the main reason for his restlessness at night. There were times he wished he could just cure the sleeping disorder he had in a flash, make the thoughts and anxiety over his responsibilities disappear. The weight of it was dragging down any strength and optimism Nikolai had left in him, but he still managed to keep himself upright.

And he knew he had to thank the people around him for keeping him sane.

The number of cars on the road lessened to a few when they finally turned to the quieter part of the city, and Nikolai saw the familiar landmarks near the apartment complex Zoya was living at. Thankfully the rain had finally stopped in the area, and he didn’t have to squint through the rain to know which roads he’d turn at.

The aforementioned woman bolted upright from her seat, the sudden movement startling Nikolai that he almost lost control of the steering wheel and his heart almost leaping out of his throat. She removed the towel from her face and frowned at him, as if she was contemplating to punch or murder him.

“ _Shit_ , Zoya. What the fuck.” Curse words were often Zoya’s thing, but when he was caught off guard, he’d definitely not mind to adapt to the idea of cursing. 

Nikolai sent a disbelieving look her way, though he ignored the part where he saw a stray hair clinging to her cheek, and the urge he had to tuck it back behind her ear because it _definitely_ wasn’t the reason he looked away quickly. 

“Don’t do that.”

“I just remembered something.”

“Can you remember something and not give me a heart attack at the same time?”

Zoya’s frown remained. “David told me he found you passed out in the council room earlier.” 

“I just took a nap.” 

“Until four-thirty? You have a math class at three.” 

Nikolai felt like a dog backed into a corner. He had no other excuse to that, so he settled for the deflecting method he always did. “Don’t worry, someone from the class told me that they just did a few more complicated examples of the previous lecture. It’s nothing I can’t do.”

He made a right turn, and the apartment complex was already in view. Nikolai drove a bit faster than he already was, and he could still feel the weight of Zoya’s gaze on him. 

“Well, home sweet home.” He put the lights on hazard and pulled by the curb. When he finally looked her way, he found that she still had the deadpan look on her face, an eyebrow raised. “Okay, okay. I’m not doing anything later. I swear to the saints. I’ll try to get some sleep.”

“Why didn’t you call me last night?” 

Nikolai opened his mouth to answer, only to close it again when he doubted the reply he was about to say. He looked away with a dry laugh. “Well, I figured I’d disturbed you enough in the past week.”

Zoya huffed. “Come on, you can do better than that. You could’ve made it two consecutive weeks.” A short pause. Then Nikolai felt a hand on his arm, the sudden contact startling him, and he was forced to look at her blue eyes. “But really, call me if you need to. I barely sleep too, anyway.”

“Wow. I think this is the first time you’re not wanting to disown me or throw me into a ditch. I’m a bit taken aback.” He actually was, truly, and Zoya just scowled at him as if she were offended. He chuckled and raised an arm up in surrender. “I’m quite aware of the fact don’t worry.” Then he smiled softly, patting her hand on his arm and adding, “Thank you, Zoya. I owe you one.”

The raven-haired woman narrowed her eyes at him. “You owe me tons, Lantsov,” said Zoya, smirking triumphantly. She tossed him back the damp towel. “And I’m planning on collecting those debts with caffeine or anything that would equal the favors.”

Nikolai could only laugh at the turn of events, though he was thankful for the sudden shift, and they were back to their usual banter again. “Will I be paying them for the rest of my life?” 

“Definitely.” 

“Pity me.” 

Zoya opened the door and stepped out. “Thanks for the lift, by the way. Be careful on your way back,” she said before closing it. 

Nikolai pulled the window down. “Wait, is this counted as a paid debt?” he called out just as she entered the main doors of the building. He was only given a solid thumbs-down and another smirk.

“Dream on, Lantsov.” 


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trap had been set for them, and they easily fell for it. What would be the outcome of the event?

The next morning witnessed Zoya’s sour mood when she attended her first class at nine in the morning with a deep frown and an aura that screamed “try talking to me and you’re dead”. Though it might have been her everyday expression, but this particular morning was a different one.

“You look like you’re about to punch someone,” David mused. 

“Trust me, I’ve been contemplating about it.” Zoya wrinkled her nose as she reached for her thermos, and ended up stopping midway. The mentioned container apparently wasn’t there and was still with Nikolai since yesterday morning. “The lack of my morning dose of caffeine is definitely helping with the punching thought.” 

David chuckled. “Just try to hold yourself from hurting your table.”

“On it.”

They were currently at the very last row of their Mechanics class, dreading the lesson about Torsional Stress. It was the lecture that they had been discussing for about two meetings already, and it only got shittier from then on. 

It was the weight of yesterday’s news and class that added to the pounding of Zoya’s head when it came to her mind all of a sudden, and she desperately wished for a coffee to miraculously appear in front to soothe her soul. 

Waking up late for her first class on a Tuesday rarely happened—she was always an early riser. But when your group mates were nowhere to be seen, and there were still things needing to be added to your research paper, Zoya knew that switching to nocturnal mode was inevitable. She stayed up until three in the morning to finish the paper herself—all the while thinking of different ways of murdering her group mates—so she decided to close her eyes for a moment.

Apparently, that moment became several hours. 

That lead to Zoya waking up twenty minutes before nine and barely having time to do all her morning rituals before leaving her apartment. 

Her phone screen lit up beside her notebook, and it caught her attention from being glued at the figures on the board. She frowned at the “Sobachka” name of the one that messaged her, and it took her a second to realize that it was Nikolai. Zoya remembered him changing the nicknames in their chat some time ago.

_Uh hey_ , it said. 

She continued to frown as she typed. _What is it? I’m in class._

_Good news and bad news. What first?_ Then another message followed a moment later, _Pls choose bad news first._

Zoya sighed exasperatedly. _Just spit it out, Lantsov_

There was a short pause on his side. It stretched for about a minute, and then, _I broke ur thermos_

_What the fuck_

She put a hand to her temple and began rubbing it, trying to keep the pounding from getting worse. She supposed she could kill Nikolai after her headache finally stopped and she was in her angriest state.

A message followed soon after. _Well good news is…_ Another pause _. SIKE HAHAHAHAHAHA_

Zoya closed her eyes and counted to three. Then ten. She should’ve expected this trap from Nikolai himself—she knew him too well to be pulling off jokes like these. Sometimes she questioned the fact that this was the same person who could charm almost everyone, say the worst punchlines, and exasperate the shit out of people.

_Just a quite long scratch on the lid tho but nothing too serious_

_I’ll still kill you later_

_That’s so sweet, truffle :” >_

Zoya shut her phone with a huff and went back to focusing on the writings on the board, which now occupied the half of it. She cursed lowly as she tried to catch up with the numbers that seemed to be endless. 

“Was that Nikolai?” asked David.

“The one and only,” Zoya muttered in reply—she suddenly remembered him saying the exact words last night—without looking up from writing in her notebook. 

“Gave you a hard time again?” David wondered, a knowing smile plastered on his face. 

“He always does.” 

“What can I say, you’re his favorite person.”

Zoya snorted. It was starting again. “Favorite person to annoy, you mean.”

“That too.”

“You and your girlfriend always say the same thing.” 

“Trust me, we only say the things we know and see.” 

Zoya scoffed but said nothing more, knowing that arguing with David would just prolong their discussion about the aforementioned blond and it would only lead to him saying that she should start dating and some other shit. 

Her hookups and pleasure escapades weren’t unknown to them—Nikolai had been the first one to know about it. While there were times that they wouldn’t mind one bit, there were far too many times with one of them saying that Zoya should come in terms with her “obvious” feelings for her president and just tell him the truth.

It had become tiring as time went by because there wasn’t really anything to tell. 

Their professor stopped writing on the now-full board and gave them a nod. “We’ll continue this next meeting. Class dismissed,” she said curtly. 

Zoya raised an eyebrow as she glanced at her watch. It was five minutes to eleven, much to her shock. And David’s as well. 

“Seriously, blink a few times, and then the two hours of Mechanics is over,” David muttered with a frown. “I’m starting to think that we shouldn’t blink during those two hours.”

Zoya nodded grimly. “Truly. I cannot stress that enough.” 

“You getting an early lunch?” 

“No, I still have to finish something in Sep. Maybe at twelve. I still have an hour.”

David got up from his seat and shrugged his backpack on. “Don’t stress yourself too much.” He gave Zoya a mock salute. “I’ll see you later, general.” 

Zoya wrinkled her nose at the nickname. It was a known nickname among them that was meant to annoy her at times, the name originating from her strict, play-by-the-rules attitude when they started running the council and her downright practicality. Apparently, they knew when to exactly use it to irate her. 

“Scram, Kostyk,” she muttered, shooing him away with a dismissive hand. 

The man chuckled and gave her a final wave before leaving the room. Zoya stuffed the things in her bag and left the room as the students from the next class started pouring in through the doors. She decided to head down to her usual turf, which was the library, and finish the problem set she had been working on for her Separation Process major in the past week.

More than an hour into her task, Zoya received a message from Genya. Usually Zoya would just ignore the notifications coming in from her phone. But the pounding in her head made her want to look away from what she was doing.

_Lunch out?_

Zoya was almost done with her work, but she entertained the idea. She usually ate at past one in the cafeteria to save time from travelling to and from the campus to eat lunch.

She typed back a reply. _Now?_

_Yep, I already reserved a table at Carveya._

_You know really know which place to drag me, Safin._

_I do my best, Nazyalensky_ _😉_

Fifteen minutes later, Zoya found herself sitting by the table nearest to the window in Carveya reserved under Genya’s name, and yet the other woman still wasn’t there. Genya wasn’t the type to be the later one to come to meetups, and Zoya could only count on one hand how many times the redhead was late. 

The small restaurant was thankfully warmer inside, or else she would have had to bear an hour of shaking because of the constant coldness in the places she went to. Only a few people were currently around, despite the fact that it was lunch time. The place was popular among the students of their university, being the nearest affordable dining place with a high-quality tasting menu.

Zoya furrowed her brows as she checked her phone, and looked at the last message sent almost a minute ago that said, _almost there_. It was already thirty minutes past twelve in the afternoon, and it was a good thing that her next class was at three. 

Hurried footsteps resounded behind her, and Zoya turned her head just in time to see the person coming towards her table was definitely not Genya. 

“You’re so not my favorite nerd anymore, Kostyk,” he was saying as he glared down at his wallet and violently thumbed through its contents. “I had to shower for two minutes tops and grab the nearest shirt I could find—”

Their eyes finally met, and Nikolai abruptly stopped talking. He squinted as his hand absentmindedly tapped around his chest for his thin-framed glasses and slipped it on. His gaze sharpened and he recoiled back slightly, mouth agape.

“Oh, you’re not David,” he said in exasperation. “Too pretty to be David.”

Zoya took in his demeanor—his hair was obviously windswept like someone decided to drop a mess of blonde hair on his head and it stuck out in different directions, his long-sleeved shirt was rumpled and unevenly tucked into his gray slacks, and he looked like he just ran away from something bad he did.

_How can he still look good?_ Some part in the back of her mind said, and Zoya shoved the voice back to hiding because she was not thinking of that. 

“Why are you here?” she demanded, an eyebrow shooting up to her forehead. 

“I can ask the same question to you, truffle.” Nikolai looked around the place before turning back to her with a frown. “Where in the saint’s name is our favorite nerd?”

“What’s going on?”

“He told me to come here and pay for his bill because he forgot his wallet—”

Zoya closed her eyes and rubbed a hand to her temple when she finally connected the dots. It didn’t even need a genius to figure that one out. That nerd and his girlfriend—

A snapping sound jerked her out of her tired thought and she opened her eyes to see Nikolai looking at her with worry, his eyebrows furrowed. “You alright, Zo?”

She waved a dismissive hand. “Sure, I’m just planning a murder in my head.”

“Oh, perfectly normal, I’d say. But really, have you seen David anywhere here?”

Zoya looked at him incredulously. How could he be one of the smartest minds in their department and yet still not be able to comprehend obvious things? It made her want to include him in her murder plan. “You’re still going to ask that?” 

Nikolai gave her a puzzled look, and he looked so innocent that Zoya didn’t know if he was just pretending or just downright oblivious. _Or dumb_ , she added in thought. “Uh, yes? Maybe he’s already washing the dishes in the kitchen as the mode of payment—”

He was cut off when someone in waiter’s uniform approached their table with a huge grin on his face. His name tag displayed “Isaak”, and the way he looked at them with glinting eyes suggested a not-so-good intention to Zoya. 

“Welcome to Carveya!” the waiter Isaak greeted a little too enthusiastically. “Fortunately, you have been chosen as our lucky customers for today and everything on the menu is on the house.”

Nikolai held up a hand, his face becoming even more confused. “Uh, what—”

“Please, have a seat.” Isaak ushered—forced—Nikolai down the seat, the grin never leaving his face. He clasped his hands together afterwards. “Now that everything looks settled, may I take your—”

“Coffee,” Zoya said with finality, cutting the waiter off, and the grin on his face suddenly disappeared. He opened his mouth as if to say something more, but Zoya continued, “Black, no sugar. The strongest one you can make. Probably enough to keep me up for a week. Can you do that, Isaak?”

Isaak obviously paled, but managed to return his grin albeit not being as bright as earlier, and it looked more of a grimace rather than a smile. She was about to say something snarky to the waiter, but she decided that she was already too tired to even say anything. 

Besides, she knew Isaak. Being a regular in the place for years would surely familiarize her with almost everyone working there. She could only guess that two of her rather favorite people made the younger waiter their accomplice, knowing that Isaak was the usual one to take their orders whenever they went there.

“I’ll take the same as hers, I guess,” Nikolai said, his eyes flickering between the two and looking a little frightened at the sight. “Yeah, I’ll take the same.”

Zoya lifted a brow at the waiter, and Isaak practically ran off. She huffed and turned back to the table, facing the blond boy across from her. Nikolai’s eyebrows were furrowed, as if he were scrutinizing her inside out. 

“Did you really have to scare his ass?” 

“Trust me, I was still holding back.” 

Nikolai winced. “Remind me again not to do something that might piss you off?” 

“Do you want it to come with a punch?” 

“Surprise me. Just not somewhere in the face, it’d damage my handsomeness.” He paused, and then he frowned. He ran a hand through his hair, pushing the strands that fell on his forehead away. “What’s happening again?” 

Zoya could only roll her eyes as the man’s obliviousness brought an ungodly amount of exasperation to her whole self that made her want to reevaluate her life decision of being friends with him. “Our favorite nerd and the redhead set us up.”

“What do you mean they—” Nikolai stopped, the crease on his eyebrows disappearing as a look of realization dawned on his face. Finally. He slumped back further into the chair with a dry laugh. “That’s screwed up.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

“Knowing those two, they’re the best ones when it comes to planning. And they’re probably not going to stop until they achieve what they wanted. I’m surprised you out of all people fell for this.” 

Zoya suddenly gave a laugh, which she rarely did, but a memory flashed in her mind and she couldn’t help it. “Oh, I just remembered the last time I was duped by those two,” she said, her tiredness slowly dissipating.

Nikolai deadpanned, trying his best to look stern, but failed as usual. He raised an accusing finger at her. “Don’t.” He scowled and Zoya gave him a sly grin. Then he whined, “No, don’t remind me of that.”

The scene played in her mind clearly—David and Genya were able to lure her to the rooftop of the science building and locked the door leading to the stairs as an “end of the school year” prank on her that she wasn’t aware existed at that time. It had been one of their milestones to be proud of because they were able to “pull a prank on Zoya Nazyalensky”.

Unbeknownst to Zoya, she hadn’t been the only one stuck up in the place and it was already occupied by none other than Nikolai Lantsov himself—but it was a sulking Nikolai Lantsov she had seen. 

Apparently, the blond was mulling Alina Starkov’s rejection to him, and he had stated that he was never rejected before and said other petty reasons to be sulking. 

It ended up with Zoya kicking him rather solidly and telling him to stop being a “dumbfuck”, and she would never forget the look of shock that had been etched on Nikolai’s face. They were only acquaintances at the time, both being the top of their respective classes, but it still didn’t stop her from berating him about his whining. 

Somehow, that started their close bond up to today.

Though he’d never admit it aloud until now, Zoya knew he didn’t exactly want someone to see him in that state. But she did, and she would always have that ace against him.

“Funny how nothing’s changed even after years,” Zoya commented, and she had to relish Nikolai’s protesting reaction because he was almost never riled up. “Still a dumbfuck.” 

Nikolai grimaced, but amusement only filled his eyes. “Harsh.”

“Honest.”

“If you’re honest, then can you admit that I’m actually unfairly handsome?”

“I should’ve known better than to fall for Genya’s trap.”

“And risk not seeing me earlier than necessary today?”

“You’re an idiot, Nikolai.”

Their coffees arrived at that moment, and Zoya took the scalding drink, not minding if it burned her tongue while taking a sip, and the strong taste of the brew kicked her senses awake. The coffee tasted better than she expected.

Nikolai reached for his own mug. “You’re that desperate for caffeine, aren’t you?” he asked, his head slightly inclined to the side. 

“Calms my thoughts.” Zoya tipped her mug a little as a gesture before putting it down. “Care to join my assassination plan?” 

The blond sputtered on the rim of his mug and he set it down, wiping his mouth on the edge of his sleeve. “I thought you said it calms your thoughts down?”

“Isn’t that the point?”

“Well, I suppose I can help you with that. I’ve never showered that fast in my life.” Nikolai shrugged. Then he leaned forward with his hands clasped in front, resting his elbows on the table. His hazel eyes held a glint of curiosity and playfulness. “I’ve been meaning to ask. Why do you never date, anyway?” 

The question seemed to trigger a memory, and it flashed in front of Zoya’s eyes. She didn’t want to remember those times again. “We both know why,” she stated simply.

“The same reason?” 

“I guess.” She shrugged back, then she raised a knowing brow at him. “What about you? Why do you never date?” She gestured a hand in the air. “You sure do have tons of fangirls, _and_ fanboys, on campus.”

Nikolai chuckled lightly. “I’d rather find someone who has the same insights as I have,” he replied, his eyes having this faraway look like he was daydreaming. “I guess I just haven’t found the one yet.”

Zoya eyed the blond carefully. Nikolai was probably the biggest sap she ever knew, and she probably couldn’t blame the guy. He was the type to believe that “improbable” things can always happen, always trying to find the light on things, while Zoya grew up being downright practical and believing in the reality. 

“You’re probably thinking I’m a sap again, aren’t you?” Nikolai huffed. “Come on, truffle. It’s not all that bad to believe there’s someone for you.”

“When it comes from you, it’s that bad.” 

Nikolai only raised a brow as if he was challenging her, and Zoya accepted by crossing her arms in front of her and staring right back. “You have to do better than that, Nazyalensky.”

It made her a tad bit surprised. Usually it was Nikolai who backed down from their stare off contest. “Your point being?”

“Let me prove you wrong.” 

Now that piqued her attention. Being the practical one did have its perks too—she was rarely proven wrong. She knew what challenges she would take, and most of the time it ended with her as the victor.

Zoya could only hope that this was one of those challenges.

“Humor me, Lantsov.”

Nikolai grinned, leaning back into his chair comfortably. “Let’s make a deal.”

She raised a brow at that. Genya setting them up had already been a pain, and striking a deal with Nikolai would probably be another one, and definitely much bigger. But yet again, the fact that she was close friends with him already came with lots of headaches and twists—plus the need of endless patience—in her everyday life. 

What could be different?

“This better be good.” 

“It will be, truffle.” He paused, looking at her expectantly as if he were giving her a chance to back out. But Zoya had already been in, and she wouldn’t back down from it. “We’ll help each other find our own ‘right one.’”

It almost made her want to laugh, but then she remembered this was Nikolai’s way of proving her wrong and it would be downright rude. Though she knew the odds were on her side, Zoya supposed she would entertain his idea. “Alright, dear president, how do we do that?”

“Find someone that might fit our ideals.” Nikolai held up a finger. “Just a sec.” Then he proceeded to fiddle with his wallet and took out a small piece of paper. 

She frowned as he began to write something down on it before giving it to her a good whole minute later. “What is this?”

Zoya stared at the piece of paper Nikolai gave her. She read the writings, and looked up at him in disbelief. The blond boy across the table would be the literal death of her—if she didn’t kill him first. She should’ve known this was a bad idea, especially when it came from him of all people. Too late to back down now.

“Are you serious?” she said, holding up the paper. “The ideal list? What are you, in middle school?”

Nikolai gave her the barest of shrugs, pushing himself back to the chair in a more comfortable position. “What about it? It’d be easier for you to find someone,” he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, a carefree smile that screamed all-Nikolai evident on his face. “Aren’t you glad that I’m making it easier for you?”

Zoya snorted. “You’re obnoxious.”

“Thank you. I’d take that as a compliment from one of my favorite people.”

“You’d rather not.”

“Trust me, truffle, I’d rather take it.”

She rolled her eyes and frowned at the paper in her hand again. There were three things listed below the extravagant handwriting of “The Ideal List” and she had to narrow her eyes as she read it again. The symptoms of another migraine were already coming her way.

_Smart._

Generic one, but fair enough. Golden Boy’s intellectual capacity was the sky. Though he could be dumb like most of the time. 

_Sporty_.

Zoya wrinkled her nose. “You could’ve at least used the word ‘athletic’, Lantsov.”

Nikolai sputtered. “That was what I was thinking earlier!”

_Smoky hot_.

“Why am I friends with you again?”

“Because I’m charming?”

“Try harder.”

Nikolai bowed his head a little, looking at Zoya above the frames of his reading glasses, his eyebrows slightly creased. She had never accustomed herself to how good he looked when he started wearing glasses at the start of their third year, but Zoya would never admit it out loud. It would just boost his ego and she would probably never hear the end of Nikolai teasing her about it.

“These are all generic ones,” Zoya said a moment later, trying to distract herself from the intensity of his gaze. “Don’t be surprised with the ones I’ll find.”

“There’s actually a fourth one, if I remember it correctly.” Nikolai gestured a finger down, a sheepish smile appearing on his face. Then he hesitated, inclining his head to the side. “I did write a fourth one, didn’t I?”

Zoya looked back down at the small paper, and there indeed was a fourth one written at the very bottom part of the surface and it was definitely smaller than the other three that it was almost unreadable unless looked at in a very close distance.

_Could probably handle my restlessness._

She felt a sudden tinge of pain in chest, and she had to release a breath to make it disappear. What was that just now? Zoya tried to ignore the feeling and eyed the writing on the paper again. “The last one’s quite a catch. This is going to be hard.”

“It’s fine, I just don’t want to burden anyone with this.” He gestured vaguely at his head with a light laugh. 

Though he said it jokingly, Zoya knew him too well to notice the underlying meaning of his statement, the faraway look in his eyes as he talked, and the slight hunching of his shoulders. She knew about the insomnia, had known about it when he opened up to her one time long ago, and she could only imagine the weight he had to carry for years yet he still had a positive perspective.

_I figured I’d disturbed you enough in the past week_. His words echoed in her mind, and it became clear to her. 

Nikolai was the type of person that was always ready to offer his help and be someone you can rely on, but would never ask for anything back. Even when he’s already the one crumbling and in need of help, he’d still be able to give himself. 

It was one of the traits that Zoya had witnessed him develop for the past years, and there was a part of her that wanted to be at least one of the people that could reach out and catch him whenever he fell.

“I’ll see what I can do, Lantsov.”

“How about you?”

“What about me?”

Nikolai waved a hand in a wild gesture. “Aren’t you going to tell me what characteristics you want for a partner?”

Zoya mocked a laugh. “As long as the person you find is not as revolting as you, I see no problem,” she replied.

“You wound me, love,” Nikolai said, feigning a hurtful expression, a hand on his chest. But she could see the amusement clearly in his eyes. Ever the dramatic and sappy one. 

She winked. “I do my best.”

Now she could only hope that this whole ‘deal’ wouldn’t end in a disaster. But knowing the luck tied to her, Zoya knew it would be impossible to expect that kind of result.

She supposed she would really kill Genya and David for setting them up. But for now, she had something to deal with.

The drive back to the campus was rather a quick one, with the time being less than fifteen minutes to Nikolai’s next class and he had to basically let the car fly along the roads to get into Ravka in time. 

Zoya wasn’t really paying attention to it for most of the time—though she did scold him for disobeying a few traffic rules that could’ve caused them more trouble—because she was too busy deciding which one she would beat first between their two council members. 

“Okay, I’d know that face you’re making from anywhere,” Nikolai said, effectively snapping Zoya out of her thoughts as he was steering the car to the parking space he spotted. “Don’t beat them too hard, yeah?” 

“I can’t promise that.”

“Alright, then. I’ll help with hexing David a little until your tremendous amounts of rage dissipates.” 

They both got out of the car, with Nikolai in so much of a hurry that he tipped backwards as he pulled his bag out from the backseat, and Zoya fought a laugh from erupting. 

The blond noticed it and sent a scowl to her direction. “I would be saying at least ten reasons why I’m this clumsy right now if I wasn’t running late.” 

Zoya chuckled darkly. “Then it’s a good thing you’re running late.” She raised her arm up and tapped on the watch on her wrist. “Move your fucking ass. Four minutes.” 

She watched in triumph as Nikolai cursed under his breath and bolted to the other direction, only to stop after several steps and turn back.

Nikolai jogged back towards her as he was pulling something out of his backpack. “No compliments supposedly to you for laughing at me just a minute ago, but really, you saved me yesterday.” He handed her the thermos she had been dreading for the whole morning. 

True enough to what he texted her earlier, the container did have a long scratch on the lid, painting the gray surface with a white line. Zoya deadpanned, raising the thermos to his face. “Really?”

He gave her a nervous grin that almost looked like a wince. “That’s on me, it slipped from my hand last night. Apologies.” Nikolai shrugged his pack back on his shoulder, half-turning and almost readying to bolt to the building. “There’s coffee in it as a payment, but it’s only instant. I swear to the saints you make the best coffee brew.” 

He gave a final wave and took off, giving her a rushed “See ‘ya!” over his shoulder as he disappeared from her line of sight. 

Zoya only gave a light laugh to the direction the blond disappeared before she was walking back to the council room. She still had two hours to spare before her next class and she was contemplating whether to go back to doing school work or just take a break.

The odds were surprisingly on her side today, and Zoya was able to spot Genya alone in the council room.

The redhead didn’t seem to notice her—she was too busy glaring at the laptop in front of her—until Zoya shut the door with a loud bang, and Genya almost jumped out of her seat. She gave Zoya a knowing grin, and the raven-haired had to admire the bravery of smiling before her probable end.

“I never knew you’d stoop so low, Safin,” Zoya told Genya, crossing her arms. She gave her a narrowed glance. “I should be hexing you right now, and it’s a surprise that I’m not. I must be getting really soft for you.”

Genya laughed heartily, her eyes wrinkling as she did. “I know you love me, Nazyalensky,” she said, and then she leaned forward and rested her chin on her intertwined hands. “How was it, though?”

Zoya huffed. “Disastrous.” 

“Elaborate.”

“He didn’t _stop_ talking.” 

Genya frowned. “Isn’t that normal?”

“A good point, but he had been rambling about the deal we made and I swear one more word from him—” Zoya stopped talking when a movement distracted her, and she noticed that it was Genya suddenly raising a hand up. “What?”

“What deal?” 

Zoya was a bit taken aback, realization dawning her as her mind played back the words that she’d just said. Now she had been the one rambling, and she let the emotions take over her words. “Oh, you know, the deal with one of the major sponsors he had been talking to for the upcoming event,” she lied smoothly, though she was already berating herself in her thoughts. “In the end, it was a total disaster, and I can’t believe you two were able to dupe me again into walking right through one of your schemes.”

Genya raised a brow, a sly grin slowly appearing on her face. “Last time I checked, you and Nikolai became close enough to share a drink from the same cup—”

“Oh, for the saints’ sake—” 

“—and to be on each other’s speed dials—"

“Alright, _stop_.” Zoya sighed exasperatedly before pointing a finger at the redhead. “I’m letting this one slide, Safin. But I’m still beating David up when I see him.”

“I’ll tell him to stop coming to his Mechanics, then,” Genya said, amusement obvious in her voice. She shook her head. “You’re impossible, Nazyalensky.”

Zoya mocked a sweet smile. “Only practical, my dear Genya,” she corrected.

The redhead only gave another laugh in return before turning back to her task on the laptop, a comfortable silence filling the room afterwards. Zoya almost let herself slip earlier, and she was thankful that she was able to reason out something else to cover up for that slip. She supposed she’d see how far this ‘deal’ she’d agreed to would go before she’d tell Genya about it.

Perhaps some other time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year, everyone!!! <3


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The deal is on. But apparently, the results are as expected. Just like always.

Surprisingly, it was Zoya who first who came up with someone a few days later, much to Nikolai’s chagrin. It was on a Friday as he was having a quick snack in the cafeteria, alone, before his next class, all because his schedule granted him straight agony up until seven.

The raven-haired woman suddenly came up to his table at the far corner of the area, and he almost did a double-take and squinted at her above his glasses to check if it was really her. 

She was wearing her usual plain gray shirt over her fitted jeans and combat boots, and he was sure that this woman could pull off any outfit and still look better than anyone around her. 

“Carveya. After your last class,” Zoya said simply, as if she were presenting him an ultimatum, and he had no choice but to comply. She narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t come late, Lantsov.”

Nikolai flashed her a grin. “You’re that eager to sell me off, truffle?” 

“If you put it that way, then yes.”

“Harsh.” 

“Honest.”

He chuckled lightly before taking a sip of the coffee in the cup, and he noticed that his hand was shaking a little. Had he been taking in too much caffeine these days? _Probably,_ Nikolai thought as he set the cup down. “Alright, sure. Anything for you.” 

Zoya scowled at him, and Nikolai had to laugh at the familiarity of it. Her expression then changed to a puzzled one. “By the way, don’t you have class?” she asked, glancing at her watch. “It’s already five minutes past one.”

Nikolai sputtered, pushing up his glasses too hard back to his eyes. “What?” 

He was ready to bolt up from his seat—unfinished coffee be damned—and already went to grab his bag beside him. The time must have been warped because he didn’t notice that so much time had passed since he came here. But when he glanced over on his own watch, it only showed 12:53, and he swore he heard Zoya bark out a laugh as he did.

_What in the world—_

“Sike.” 

Nikolai recoiled back because he was absolutely horrified that she just pulled off a prank on him and laughed. And even said sike.

Zoya Nazyalensky and laughing were rarely on good terms, so it was always a surprise whenever it happened, and Nikolai wasn’t sure how to react or feel over it. 

“Wait,” he said slowly, holding a hand up, “who are you and what did you do to my Zoya?” 

“Revenge for the one you did a few days ago.” She gave him a light tap on the shoulder. “After your last class, alright? I’ll beat you if I learn you didn’t show up.” 

The university’s Storm turned to leave and Nikolai was left to stare off at her retreating form, the horrified look never leaving his face. Now he definitely knew why Ravka named her the Storm. 

Because she was just as unpredictable and could surely leave you breathless.

  
  


As much as he was confident as he was witty, Nikolai still found himself hesitating to approach the table that Zoya had reserved under her name. He could already expect that it was probably someone he knew—or heard of, at least—because he and Zoya mostly had the same circle since their senior years. 

Swallowing his uneasiness, Nikolai made his way to the same table he had been a few days ago and put the best grin he had on his face, only to stop abruptly when he finally arrived at the table and saw whom he was meeting with. 

There were a million questions running in his head as of the moment, but the most mentioned were the words how and why. 

Nikolai opened his mouth, and closed it again. He seemed to repeat the same deed for a few times because, apparently, the shock overwhelmed him too much. “Linnea?” he asked, though he definitely knew that it was her. 

Her hair had gotten quite a bit longer than when he last saw it, and probably lost a little weight. But there was no denying it.

It’s his _sister_.

“Nick?” the other blonde said back, an eyebrow raised. 

There was a long silence as the siblings looked at each other, and it was only broken when Nikolai gave a loud laugh. “Now this is awkward.”

“Yeah, it sure is. But quite funny, I’d say,” Linnea replied, and she gestured at the seat in front of her. “Well, since you’re here anyway, can you tell me how in the world did you know Zoya?” 

Nikolai deadpanned as he moved to sit on the chair, raising a brow back to his sister. “I could ask you the same question, little missy.”

Linnea huffed. “Oh, please. You’re barely a year older than me, brother dear,” she shot back, crossing her arms as if she were challenging him.

“Getting wittier, aren’t we?”

“I’ve had my time.”

Nikolai chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. It’s been a while since he last saw his sister—half-sister—and the last update he had heard from her at least a year ago, was that she had left her old town for an apartment much nearer to her university, and Nikolai never got the chance to ask where she had been staying at.

Their family ties had always been complicated—with Nikolai and Linnea sharing the same father when his mother had an apparent affair with the man, which was the reason why Nikolai grew up suffering in the middle of the conflict.

He was usually sent back and forth to his mother or his father’s authority to stay for an indefinite amount of time. But unfortunately, some from both sides either hated him or didn’t care about him, all for the reason that he was the fruit of an unfaithful deed, and he grew tired of his scenario, the restlessness in his mind developing in the process that eventually contributed to his sleeping disorder.

It was only Linnea who didn’t “unlike” him and told him that she understood that it wasn’t his fault. 

Up until now, Nikolai supposed that he probably owed it to his sister for making his childhood a little more bearable. 

“How did you know her again?” Nikolai repeated his question, curiosity now taking over his mind as he imagined his sister and Zoya being friends. It didn’t result to a wonderful thought. “Because seriously, I still can’t believe you know her.”

Linnea shrugged. “She’d been my gym buddy for a few months already when I started doing exercises. She was already a regular at the place I go to.”

Nikolai tried to push the images of Zoya working out away from his mind. He chuckled lightly. “Small world.” 

“It just came to me that you’re probably the blond one she’d been talking about that exasperates her in the university.” The devil gave a laugh, and Nikolai narrowed his eyes. “It’s even funnier to know that it’s most definitely you.” 

“Wow, you’re saying that to your own brother?”

“Knowing you, you’re the only one _that_ exasperating enough, and I can’t blame her.”

Nikolai laughed. “Fair enough.”

“So,” Linnea leaned forward, hands clasped in front of her and a sly grin evident on her face, “are you going to tell me how you two know each other?” 

“Why am I sensing that you wouldn’t stop asking until you knew the whole story?”

The other blonde only grinned. “You know me well, Nick.”

Nikolai did end up telling his sister the whole story, though he left out some vivid details of a certain kick on the shoulder that left him paralyzed to the ground due to both impact and shock, and a scolding right after. It never was selfish to leave some dignity for himself.

More than an hour later, he offered to drop her off the apartment complex she had been staying at, and Nikolai thought that the world could never be smaller until they stopped in front of the building.

“You know what, I’m starting to believe that our world is smaller than I imagined it to be,” Nikolai said, eyeing the same building where he had driven Zoya last Monday. His face contorted in disbelief. “Seriously, what the hell?”

“Maybe you two are the ones fated for one another,” Linnea said as they both stepped inside the lobby.

“Tell her that, and you’d probably never see the sunrise again.”

“Oh, good. I’ll try this Sunday.”

Nikolai put a hand to his temple. There was probably nothing that could deny them of being siblings because she was definitely showing the same wits that Nikolai had, and it was also then that he realized how Zoya must have been controlling herself to not strangle him. 

“Perhaps you should give her a visit and tell her about this.”

He contemplated about the idea for a moment, and decided that he should tell her about the first attempt that led to a failure of their deal. “Finally, you said something that made sense.”

“Coming from you?” 

They got into the elevator in the hall at the left side of the lobby, the lift empty except for the siblings. Linnea punched in the number to her floor, while Nikolai pressed the one to Zoya’s. The bearings operating the elevator gave a groan, and it started to ascend.

“Dad’s been quite upset lately,” Linnea started, breaking the silence between them. “I haven’t been able to visit him for a while, and he had been asking about you as well.” 

Nikolai gave a huff. “Tell me about it.”

“He really asked about you, Nick. I understand that you might not want to see him now, but at least tell me you will eventually.”

It was unfair for her to be asking him that kind of favor, but Nikolai realized that perhaps he’d been unfair to their father for the past years as well, and he didn’t want that.

As much as Nikolai wanted to cut off ties with people he knew, the bigger part of him would always come back to them no matter the pain they had given him, and he sometimes wished he never had that kind of person within him.

He gave a loud sigh, and just like that, he was pushing his selfish attitude away and he was left vulnerable again. “Alright, I will,” he replied, and quickly added, “but at my own time.” 

Linnea smiled. “That’s good enough for me.”

The elevator sounded and they finally arrived at his sister’s floor. Linnea got out of the lift, and turned back to face him. 

“You do realize that you _like_ Zoya, right?”

She might as well have axed him down on the spot, and Nikolai was sure that he looked like someone dropped a bomb in front of him. The conversation took a sudden sharp turn and he was left gaping at her, his eyes wide. He was definitely not expecting that kind of question. “What?”

Linnea laughed, waving a hand in goodbye as the doors began to close. “I’ll see you around, brother dear,” were the last words she said and she gave him a smirk before it shut completely and Nikolai was left staring at his reflection projected by the doors.

He had the same bewildered expression even as the doors finally opened to Zoya’s floor, and he quickly stepped out. The words seemed to repeat in his head, and he had to curse his sister for catching him off guard with that. 

The little devil would probably be celebrating tonight for finally outwitting her older brother. 

Nikolai stopped in front of Zoya’s door at the end of the hall, and he was reminded of the last time he had been here at least a month ago, when he had to bring home a very drunk Zoya and make sure she didn’t trash her own place while she was in that state. He would never forget the agony of half-dragging and half-carrying the raven-haired through the length of the hall just to get to her door.

He rang the bell, but then he was suddenly hesitating if he was supposed to be here. He had at least a few more seconds to decide whether to make a run for it or—

The door opened, and Nikolai almost jumped in shock. Whatever he was thinking about flew out of his mind when Zoya appeared on the doorway in her black tank top and sweatpants, the perfect arch of her brows drawn tightly together as she frowned. 

“What are you doing here?” she demanded, inclining her head over the doorframe to look through the hallway. She opened her door wider and stepped aside, an invitation for him to come in. “Aren’t you supposed to be at Carveya?”

Nikolai recovered from his shock with a slight jolt. “It’s done, actually.” He brushed past her and made his way inside her apartment. 

The place was a bit small—definitely smaller than the one he was staying at—but he always felt at home whenever he came in here. It was possibly the neat arrangement of her things on the study table at the right side of the living room. Or the books that lined her shelf beside it. Or the perfect view of the downtown expanse from her balcony window. Or just the place itself. 

He slumped down on the couch, resting his head on the backrest, his eyes closed. It was only then he felt another wave of tiredness seep through his bones and the comfortable feel of the sofa was definitely helping sleep to invade his senses. The past week’s worth of exhaustion was slowly coming up to bite him. 

“You didn’t come here for another sleepover, did you?” Zoya’s voice echoed through the living room, and he felt a strong flick on his forehead, causing him to snap his eyes open with a protest and giving her a glare from upside down. “You know, you still haven’t answered any of my questions yet.” 

Nikolai wrinkled his nose as he rubbed a hand on the sore spot on his forehead. “Actually, I did answer one,” he replied, adjusting his position on the couch and resting his head on the armrest instead. He removed his glasses and set them down on the coffee table. “No, I didn’t come here for a sleepover. But I could consider that idea, your couch is definitely inviting me to sleep.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Oh, you know, just being the protective person I am and dropping off Linnea back to her place.” 

Zoya gave him a puzzled look and sat on the backrest of the couch, staring down at him. The dim light of the room only made her eyes glow a more vibrant blue, and Nikolai had to look away. “Then aren’t you supposed to be there?”

Nikolai sighed and put an arm over his eyes. “Well, _my sister_ told me to pay you a visit since you two live in the same apartment complex.” He shrugged. “I only heeded her advice.”

There was a long silence after that, and he was aware that Zoya was still processing what he just said. He could picture her bewildered expression in his head, and he had to fight off a laugh threatening to come out from him. He could basically hear her thinking aloud.

When she still didn’t answer after a few more moments, he moved his arm off and looked over the raven-haired storm. 

_“I beg your fucking pardon?_ ” Zoya said, her voice rising to a shout, and Nikolai couldn’t help it and he finally laughed hysterically. Her expression was priceless, he realized, and he just knew he had to remember this night. “ _Your_ sister?”

“Yes, _my_ sister,” Nikolai emphasized, still trying to find a way to breathe from laughing too much. “You know, blonde, with the same hazel eyes and knows how to reply to witty remarks? Yep, that’s her.”

The same expression stayed on the woman's face, and Nikolai didn’t know whether he should continue to laugh or just look at the bewildered look on her face. It was definitely the first time he saw Zoya Nazyalensky shocked beyond compare. 

“Words seemed to have left you, Nazyalensky.”

“You have a sister?”

“Should I repeat it again?”

“How—?” Zoya gestured a hand up vaguely to her door, the same expression never leaving. “ _Linnea Opjer?_ ” 

Nikolai opened his mouth to answer, only to close it again when he was overcome with second-thoughts. He never really told anyone about his real background, especially this part of his past, not even the closest people around him. It was something he wasn’t proud of, and he was afraid of what others might think of him.

Besides, he already had a fair share of harsh words being drilled into his mind in his younger years. It was enough. 

Nikolai settled to waving a dismissive hand instead. “Bit of a long story. Perhaps I’ll elaborate next time. But yes. Linnea, your gym partner, is my sister.” He grinned. “Small world, yeah?”

Zoya only gaped at him, and then shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe this. The two infuriating blondes in my life are _related_. Just wow.” She threw up her hands in defeat and surrender. “I’m making coffee.” She got up from the backrest and stomped towards the kitchen.

A thought dawned the blond, and he was suddenly sitting up on the couch. “Am I dreaming, or did the great Zoya Nazyalensky just make a mistake?” Nikolai called out from the living room, trying to get the words out despite laughing. “I’m so remembering this.”

She appeared in his line of sight, a threatening tablespoon pointed at his face. “You’re on thin fucking ice, Lantsov.”

Nikolai only laughed some more, and he was already planning on whom he’d set her up with in the next few days. But for now, he’d relish the iconic mistake that had been made tonight.

**********************

“Hope you slept well during the weekends, Kostyk,” Zoya told David with a sneer when she came up to him as he was waiting outside the room of their Mechanics class. 

David winced. “Come on, Zo, you’ve already hexed me enough for a week.” 

“Well, I certainly believe that a week’s worth is not enough.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Zoya still hadn’t told anyone about the mad deal yet, and she could only assume that Nikolai hadn’t mentioned anything to them either. It had been a week since the scheming, but she still wasn’t ready to forget the two’s doing to her. 

The first attempt on their deal had been a complete failure, with her not even knowing that the two were related, and the fact that Nikolai had a sister still shocked her even after knowing about it for a few days. She had only known about an older brother he was in not-so-good terms with, and his parents that lived on the far side of the country. 

So when Nikolai revealed that Linnea—out of all people—was his sister, it was like a splash of cold water on her head, and she could probably use a little warning for the next time something big was revealed to her. 

“The morning is honored to witness even the slightest scowl from our great Zoya Nazyalensky,” an all-too-familiar voice said, and Zoya fought an urge to roll her eyes as she turned to the blond. Speaking of the devil. “You seem to be in a good mood today, truffle.”

Zoya hit him on the back of his shoulder, but Nikolai only chuckled. How could one be in such a good mood at this time in the morning?

“Good mood, indeed.” He reached over for her wrist and pulled her towards him, sending a smile to David. “Can I borrow her for a sec?”

David grinned back, the act so knowing based on the obvious glint in his eyes, and Zoya had the urge to punch it off his face. “It’s not me you need to ask,” he said. “Besides, you didn’t even have to.” 

Zoya scowled at the golden boy as he whisked her to the side, and she sent a threatening look to David, who in return only gave her a wink. She turned back to the all-too-grinning blond. “Did you really have to pull me away to say something?” 

“Well, if you want David to know about our little agreement from last Tuesday, then let’s talk about this in front of him.”

“Sarcasm will be the reason of your early suffering, Lantsov.” 

“Trust me, I already am.” Nikolai waved a dismissive hand even before she could open her mouth to ask what he meant by that. “Anyway, Carveya later. After your shift, perhaps?” 

“You didn’t even give me time to at least change.” Zoya shrugged. “But yeah, sure. I’ll go right after. I may forget about that when I take a detour home,” she replied, though she could only hope that she wouldn’t be too tired to worsen her mood later on. 

Nikolai grinned. “Perfect, I’ll inform the person you’ll meet tonight.” He tapped her hand, and it was only then that Zoya realized Nikolai hadn’t let go of her wrist yet, the touch sending an unwelcome shiver on her skin. “You’re being good at agreeing lately.”

She slapped his hand and swatted it away, earning a light laugh from the blond. “I’m only agreeing to this because it’s actually fun to see you proven wrong.”

“Harsh.”

“Honest.” Zoya paused, a realization coming to her mind. She eyed the blond idiot carefully. “Wait, it’s nine in the morning, and your class isn’t up until one.” She narrowed her eyes—Nikolai and early had never been in contact. “You’re never this early, Lantsov.” 

There was a flash of panic in his eyes, but it was gone in a blink and was replaced with clear amusement, leaving Zoya to contemplate whether she was just seeing things. “I decided that it’s rude not to tell you about tonight in person.”

“Please, you could’ve just texted me during class, just like you always do.”

“There’s no fun in that anymore.” He gave her a playful grin that reached his hazel eyes, and Zoya was sure that she’d never seen them this bright before. There was just so much warmth radiating in them. “And aren’t you glad to see me this early in the morning?”

She made a face of disgust. “No.”

“Are you two finished?” David called out, and they both turned their heads to him. He was looking at them with an inclined head, eyes narrowed curiously.

The students from the previous class were starting to pour out from the room and into the hallway, voices slowly getting louder as they went. David gestured to the open door of their classroom.

“Or do you still need more time for your intimate talk?” he asked.

“Shut up, Kostyk,” they both said in unison.  
  


Zoya thumbed the edge of her button-down as she sat by the table in Carveya—for the nth time, ironically—and waited with slight dread for the one Nikolai had set up for her. She was not going to back out on this. 

It was mainly because the blond didn’t stop sending texts telling her that he was only reminding her of tonight. And by the time her shift ended, there were at least thirty texts from the guy, all ranging from short ones to paragraphs—with corny jokes, of course—containing reasons why she shouldn’t ditch it.

She shook her head when her mind started coming up with reasons why this whole setup was pathetic, but she decided that maybe she could give it a chance.

Though she couldn’t help the bitter memories surfacing to her mind; Zoya tried to shove them down to the deepest depths that she could. This was probably not the perfect time to remember them, not when she had to focus on something else.

Maybe this was just what she had become. 

Maybe she wasn’t meant to find happiness. 

“You know, when Nikolai gave me a call earlier in the morning to meet up with someone, I was already expecting you to be that person.” 

Zoya furrowed her brows as she turned to the direction of the voice. It sounded familiar—too familiar—and she wasn’t wrong with her guess when she confirmed who it was. “Zenik?” 

The brunette shrugged, and put a hand on her hip. She narrowed her eyes. “Though I’m surprised you actually agreed to this,” she said, an eyebrow raised curiously. “Been a while, Nazyalensky. Finally having a change of heart?”

“Saints, Nina. You’re starting to sound like all of them.”

“Only stating the truth, Zoya.”

They stared each other down for a good minute, as if sizing the other one up. Apparently, Zoya was the one who gave in first and broke into a grin, much to the other woman’s amusement. 

“Knew you couldn’t resist it,” said Nina.

Zoya rolled her eyes, standing up from her chair. “Alright, stop saying complete bullshit,” she said and gave the other woman a hug. “Is it just me or have you gotten taller?”

“I don’t know, maybe you’ve just gotten smaller?” Nina replied, releasing their hug. “Yeah, maybe you’d just gotten smaller.”

Zoya found herself chuckling in amusement despite the irony of the situation. True to what Nina said earlier, it’d been a while since they’d last seen each other. The brunette had once been a junior in their volleyball team back in high school, and the one Zoya had passed the team captain position to after she graduated. 

Though Nina had been two years younger than Zoya, the brunette had become a close confidant to her, and it was quite unfortunate that they’d barely contacted each other ever since.

“Why are you in town, anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be at the other state?” Zoya asked later when they finally settled in their seats. “I know it takes an hour or two to get back to your university.”

Nina chuckled. “Still the ever know-all-things, you are,” she said, to which Zoya frowned at. The brunette gave a laugh back in reply. “I was here today for some research purposes. I’m with a partner.”

“So that explains the getup.” Zoya gestured to the brunette’s polo shirt, which displayed their university logo—which was a symbol of twin ice mountains.

“Yeah. I really had no free time today, but I figured I’d appease to your favorite blond’s request.”

Zoya let out an exasperated breath. “Please tell me he didn’t bombard you with texts.” She knew how the blond could be persistent—perhaps too persistent—and she had seen an example of how he could be just this evening. “You probably know how determined he can get.”

“He did, actually,” replied Nina with a slight laugh. Then she narrowed her eyes, inclining her head to the side. “What’s with this blind dating and shit, really?” She pointed two fingers up in a gesture. “Aren’t you two already doing that?”

There it was again, the same phrase Zoya had been hearing for as long as she could remember. “I’ve heard that a million times.”

“It only means it’s that obvious,” Nina countered, arms crossed over her chest. She shook her head with a laugh. “Wanna bet, though?”

Zoya fought off a wince. She wouldn’t admit it aloud, but if there’s anyone who could outsmart her at some point, it was Nina. “I think I’ve had enough on this deal with Nikolai. Not adding anything more to it.”

Nina smirked in triumph, to which Zoya rolled her eyes at. “Afraid you’d lose to me again, Nazyalensky?” 

“Yeah, you wish.” Zoya paused, and decided to deflect the subject from her. “How are you?” 

There was a slight change in the easy air around them, and Nina’s green eyes suddenly had this faraway look again. At that point, Zoya knew that the other girl knew that the question wasn’t just for a typical reply of “I’m fine” or other generic ones. It was the one that required the honest feelings or emotions.

Nina turned to the window, eyeing the evening sky with an expression that showed sadness and grief at the same time, and Zoya contemplated whether she should have not asked about her. 

“It’s been almost a year since then,” the brunette replied softly, not wanting to elaborate anything more, but Zoya still knew better. “I’ve been better, though. Matthias would want that.” 

It happened some time before the beginning of Zoya’s third year, when a news of a mass shootout was reported to have happened in the Kerch Academy. Unfortunately, Matthias had been one of the people that perished on the scene when he had tried to convince the shooter to let everyone go and take him instead. 

Matthias had been a hero that day, and would continue to be until the end of days. It was too bad that Zoya had only met him a few times back then. 

“Good to know you’re doing better,” Zoya replied after a long silence, and she offered the brunette a small smile. Then she decided to change the subject; they’d rarely caught up with each other these days, and it was definitely not the time for sad narratives. “So, any news about your circle of dorks? I’d like to know what happened to them after pulling off that ridiculous scheme on graduation day.” 

With that, Nina’s face brightened up again, her eyes lighting up with excitement. “Oh, trust me, you wouldn’t believe how Kaz got away with it again.”  
  


At least over an hour later, much to the both’s dismay, Nina had to cut the moment short when she was called back by her partner Hanne that they had to travel back to their dormitory in less than an hour. 

They separated by the intersection when their routes were opposite, and they promised to contact each other a little more if their time was manageable. 

Now Zoya found herself walking by the sidewalks of Os Alta as she made her way to her stop, silently hoping to the skies that the bus wasn’t on its last trip yet. The wind picked up, and she shrugged her button-down tighter around her. 

It had been the first time in weeks since she felt a little lighter, without the weight of any of her responsibilities staying on her shoulders for the night, and catching up with an old friend definitely helped out with everything she had on her plate.

The stop finally came into view, and Zoya was relieved that there were only a few people waiting by the shed. Most of the time at this ungodly hour, tons of people were packed and it would usually take her at least half an hour before she could finally get on the bus. The odds were quite on her side tonight. 

As she waited near the curb, Zoya took out her phone and checked through the messages. She was actually surprised when there were no new ones from the blond—not that she was expecting anything from him. 

Zoya long-pressed the number two from the number pad, waiting for the call to take place. The line started to ring, and she held the phone to her ear.

It took a few more rings before she was greeted with a drawl of, “Hellooooo.” 

Zoya let out a huff. “How do you maintain your energy until this time of the day, anyway?” she asked. “You seem to be in a good mood today, Lantsov.”

Nikolai chuckled from the other line. “I have my ways, truffle,” he replied. “Good mood, you asked? Because it’s a surprise you’re the one who gave me a call at this ungodly hour.” A short pause, and Zoya could basically see him frowning as he thought of the next things to say. “How was it, though?” 

“I’ll let tonight slide, but really, I can’t believe you contacted Nina,” Zoya said, crossing her arms though he wasn’t physically there to see. 

There was another pause at his side, but it was a bit longer this time, leaving Zoya to wonder whether Nikolai fell asleep while on the phone or he was just utterly speechless. Which was unlikely, considering the chatterbox the blond was.

“Well, actually. . .” he trailed off. “Never mind. But hey, you haven’t answered my question yet.” 

“We caught up with some things and talked for a while, but nothing more than that.” 

“Really? You two were close back then I thought—”

Zoya gave a dark chuckle. “Come on, just because two people are close doesn’t mean there’s something going on between them,” she said out of defense, but she regretted it just as quickly as the words came out of her mouth, and she could swear that she heard a sharp intake of breath from the other line, though Zoya might have only been hearing things. She always seemed to be these days.

Before she could even take back her words, Nikolai spoke again. “Ouch. Harsh,” he said playfully, though Zoya noticed the slight change in his tone.

“Honest,” she corrected.

Nikolai laughed lightly. “Well, my bad. That’s on me,” he said. “You heading back to your place?”

“Yeah, I’m just waiting for the bus.” 

“Be careful on your way back. And please, for the love of the saints, don’t glare in public.”

Zoya scowled at his statement. “What—I don’t glare—” she stopped when she realized that her eyebrows were drawn too tightly and how she was actually also glaring as of the moment, and it was slightly appalling on how well Nikolai seemed to just know anything about her. “How dare you, Lantsov.”

“Gotcha,” Nikolai said with a loud laugh. Then there was a slight pause as his laughter died down. Then he added, “See you tomorrow.” 

The blond ended the call, and Zoya stared in disbelief at the screen that displayed “The Idiot” as his name in her contacts. The change in his usual cheery voice still bothered her, albeit him pulling off a successful joke on her again, and Zoya was left to think about the reason behind it or if there was anything to begin with.

With a huff, she shoved her phone back into her sling bag, lowly berating herself about giving meaning to stuff. Because then again, Zoya could only be imagining things. 


	4. Part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The deal continues, but Nikolai is hit with an unexpected realization.

Nikolai stifled a yawn as the last several minutes of his Numerical Methods class came to a close. He regretted not sitting at the very last row of the room, where he could probably doze off for a quarter or two, but then Kirigin had been persistent to sit at the front. 

“Last straw, Kirigin. I’m not letting you drag me to the first row anymore,” Nikolai muttered under his breath, hoping that the guy would be sharp enough to hear him. “I swear, I’ve been stifling a thousand yawns for two hours so our professor wouldn’t go nuts.”

“It doesn’t hurt to sit at the very front sometimes, Nick,” the other boy said as he furiously to scribbled down on his notebook, trying to catch up with the numbers on the board as their professor continued to talk.

“It does hurt when you can’t even shut an eye for a minute or two.”

The squeaking on the board stopped, and their professor faced them with a tired look. Nikolai had to hold back a light laugh. “That ends the midterms coverage. Examination next Wednesday, and we’ll be starting the finals topic on Monday,” he said, almost in one breath. “Dismissed.” 

Nikolai wrinkled his nose as he racked his mind of the things he had to do next week. He went through his schedule, and he realized with dread that he had at least five heavily-graded activities next week. It was death week next week, then. 

Something nudged him on the toe, startling him out of his stressful thoughts. “Hey, you good?” Kirigin asked as he got up from his chair and slung his bag on his shoulder. 

“Yep,” Nikolai replied, waving a dismissive hand in gesture. He winced as a wave of pounding headache washed over him all of a sudden, and he had to put a hand to his temple. “Saints.” 

“By the way, when was this ‘meetup with someone’ you told me about last weekend? You had to cancel last night, right?” 

His mind blanked at that, and he remembered the one he set up with Nina last night. “Yeah, something came up,” he said, trying to hold back his wince. He felt a little bad for lying. “Tomorrow night, maybe? Or tonight. I’ll inform you as soon as I talk to her.”

“Sure. Message me, yeah? I have to look good for the meetup.” 

Nikolai chuckled. “Of course. Enthusiastic, are we?” He shook his head. “See you around, Kirigin.”

With a wave, Kirigin silently left the room. Nikolai shrugged the strap of his body bag around his neck and got up from his seat. It was only five past three in the afternoon, his next class had announced that there’d be no physical meeting today—much to his relief. He’d have extra time to review for his upcoming exams the following week. 

He got up from his seat and walked out, heading to the nearest bus stop from the campus. Nikolai hadn’t brought his car with him today when he realized that it had been a while since he had taken public transportation, which led him to waking up earlier than necessary to avoid getting late from the traffic.

The midday sun was still high up when Nikolai got out from the campus vicinity, and it was a good thing that their current season had wind to help to be a little cold and balance out the weather. As he neared the intersection towards his stop, Nikolai suddenly remembered something, and he took a left turn instead of a right, making his way towards a certain coffee shop by the next block.

At least a few streets over, he finally saw the familiar signboard of The Barrel hanging by the small roof extension over the front doors, and he quickened his pace. 

The sweet aroma of coffee and the sound of soft music in the speakers greeted Nikolai when he finally entered the shop, the calm ambiance of the place was definitely inviting. He had been going to the shop often since it opened at least a few years ago, and he could definitely say that this was one of his favorite places.

Nikolai made his way to the counter, where three people waited in line to place their orders. The guy in front of him finished ordering at least a minute later, which was rather fast for the record, and when his turn came, the one behind the counter gave him a grin.

“Oh, it’s the king of Ravka,” Inej said, giving him a playful salute in addition. “What will you have today?”

Nikolai chuckled at the younger girl. “I’d have Today’s Brew. I certainly hope that the barista has a surprise up her sleeve.” Ever since Zoya got the job as a barista, the shop had added another choice on the menu that was exclusive during her working hours, and it always came with a definite twist. Her coffee brews were magical. 

Inej winked. “You know she always does,” she replied, fiddling with the screen of the cash register as she placed his order. “What name this time?” 

“The Idiot,” Nikolai said without hesitation, and Inej only shook her head with a light laugh. He craned his neck over to the far left, where he could see the storm working rather diligently with the equipment. “Don’t mention that I’m here.” He placed his payment on the counter. “Keep the change.”

“You’d definitely have the kick in your brew. In a good way.” 

“I’ll be expecting that.” 

Nikolai went to the corner of the shop by the window and settled on the leather seat as he waited for his drink to be called. He rested his arms on the table, humming along the familiar song that was playing through the speakers, and his mind unconsciously wandered to the occurrence yesterday. 

He silently chuckled to himself when he remembered how he had to cancel the one with Kirigin when he learned that Nina was in town. It wasn’t really part of his plans, but he figured that it’d be better if the two were able to catch up before the brunette got busy again. 

Nikolai figured he probably wouldn’t tell Zoya about that, or else he’d risk getting axed down. 

“Today’s Brew for—” The loud voice stopped abruptly, and Nikolai had to laugh when he looked over the counter and saw Zoya frowning at the cup she was holding. She started to scan the crowd with narrowed eyes. “—The Idiot.” 

Nikolai got up from his seat and jogged towards the counter, a grin already on his face. But he had to do a double-take when he neared her and realized that her hair was tied up into a messy bun; he’d never gotten himself accustomed to this look of hers and he’d still have to remind himself to breathe.

He recovered from his stupor in a blink and continued to grin as he came face-to-face with the raven-haired storm. “That would be me, thank you very much,” he said, taking the drink from her hand. He eyed the cup carefully before looking back at her. “That’s my nickname in your phone, aye?” 

Zoya snorted. “That’s your middle name.” 

“Harsh.” 

“Honest,” she replied, mocking a sweet smile. “What are you doing here, anyway? Technically speaking. Make it fast, I’m working.” 

Nikolai leaned casually on the counter, his elbow resting on the surface. “Well, being your friendly blond neighbor, I’m here to ask you if you’re free tonight or probably tomorrow.” 

“You found another one already?”

“I actually own a dating site so I have tons of people that I can recommend.” 

Zoya deadpanned, and it took Nikolai almost two seconds before he threw in the towel and released his laugh. 

“Okay, I’m joking. I just know a few people to set you up with.” 

“I wouldn’t call it few.”

Nikolai gave an amused smile. “Oooh, confident, aren’t we? Well, it’s factual, anyway. Given the number of men and women lining up for you.” 

Zoya rolled her eyes with a huff and glanced at the counter before turning back to him. She eyed him for a moment, as if she were scrutinizing his whole character, and sighed exasperatedly. “Tomorrow night. Let me breathe today, at least.”

“Alright, sure. Anything for you,” he said with a wink, earning a slap on his arm from the raven-haired. He pushed off the counter and eyed the drink in his hand curiously. “What’s the catch here today?”

“A pound of rock salt from the True Sea,” Zoya said sarcastically, fixing her green apron that was scrunched up on the side. She gave another forced smile and waved a dismissive hand. “Hope you can handle the kick. Now scram, before I change my mind and add another pound in it. The line’s starting to get crazy.”

Nikolai looked to his right. True enough, the line already had at least five people waiting, and there were still some entering the doors. The shop sure was a little well-known to the crowd. “Alright, then. See you tomorrow.”

“I hope I don’t,” Zoya said with a quick wave to his direction before she disappeared behind her workplace. 

Nikolai took a sip of the drink, and was surprised to taste a minty chocolate blend with the coffee, which he had been craving for the past few days. He shook his head in disbelief; the woman hadn’t failed him yet, and he was thankful he decided to drop-by today.

The blonde gave a light laugh as he turned around towards where his seat was, only to collide with someone who was too busy looking at the receipt she was holding that she barely had the time to look up and step aside. 

It was a good thing that Nikolai was able to keep his drink at arm’s length and prevent it from spilling over them. 

“Sorry about that, I wasn’t looking—" the girl stopped abruptly when she finally looked up at him, her dark eyes widening for a fraction. “Nick?” 

Nikolai furrowed his brows as she looked at the smaller girl above the frame of his glasses. “Ehri?” he said, a smile slowly coming up to his face. He had to blink a few times to make sure that he wasn’t seeing things. “Saints, it’s been a while.” He stepped forward and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

The girl embraced him back with a laugh. “Too long, blondie,” she said before pulling away, eyeing him curiously. “Almost didn’t recognize you there. The glasses were definitely deceiving.” 

“Yeah, too much reading at night can get your sight a little blurry, I guess,” Nikolai replied, giving Ehri a pat on the shoulder. “You back in town?” 

Ehri gave a nod in reply. “Apparently. I’m enrolling back to Ravka in the next school year.” 

The girl was a year below Nikolai, she had been a close friend to him throughout her first year in the university’s music club. Unfortunately, circumstances deemed her to transfer to another school near her hometown after only a year at Ravka. 

Now two years later, she was going back to the university. 

“Well, that’s quite a good news. Music club’s been missing you for a while now.”

Ehri chuckled. “Still the flatterer, yeah?” 

“I do my best.”

Her name was called by the other barista, and she quickly turned to the counter. “I’m actually heading to Ravka right now. Care to show me around? At lot must have been changed in the past two years.” 

Nikolai grinned. “Sure thing. Let me just get my bag.”

He walked back to his place at the corner and grabbed his bag, slinging the strap on his shoulder before walking back to the counter, where Ehri was already sipping her drink. 

“This is so good,” she said as they started walking towards the doors to the shop. “I never really believed you when you said that the coffee here tastes great.”

Nikolai gave a laugh. “Trust my judgment, caffeine is in my blood,” he said. “But you have to try their Today’s Brew though. It varies every day it’s available, and I swear to the saints, it never fails.” 

He looked back at the counter and saw Zoya handing out another drink to a customer, a soft smile evident on her face, and Nikolai couldn’t help a smile on make its way to his face. She seemed to notice his look at her because she turned towards the door just as he opened it for Ehri and him. He raised his cup in a toast with a matching wink, sending a mouthed “ _It’s great_ ” over and hoping she could understand what he said. 

Nikolai didn’t know if it was only that his sight was kind of blurry when he was looking at certain things from afar, but he was sure Zoya only gave him a terse nod, the smile disappearing completely from her face, before she turned away.

He frowned. Was it something that he did? Or had she misunderstood the words he mouthed? Or—

“No, of course not,” Nikolai mumbled to himself, shaking the thought off. It was impossible, _she couldn’t be—_

“Was that Zoya?” Ehri asked, snapping him out of his messed up thoughts. 

“The one and only,” he replied as he reluctantly closed the door, though not without stealing one more glance at the counter. But the raven-haired woman had already disappeared behind her workplace again, and so he turned away and started walking.

“How are you two, though? Have you finally had the balls to confess to her?” 

Nikolai choked on his drink and went into a violent coughing fit. He had forgotten how Ehri could be straightforward at the most accurate times. “Woah, chill,” he managed to say through his hoarse voice. He coughed a few times more before he could finally breathe properly through his mouth. He sent a disbelieving look at Ehri. “Where did that come from?”

Ehri chuckled at this state. “My, my. Still haven’t confessed yet, no? How long are you going to keep this up?” 

“Keep what up? There’s nothing to confess.” Nikolai wiped his mouth with the edge of his sleeve near his wrist. “Geez, woman, you haven’t changed a bit.”

“Keep convincing yourself that, we’ll see where it’d end. You can lie to me, but you can’t lie to yourself.” Ehri shook her head in disdain. “Saints, you’re a hopeless case.”

Nikolai huffed in amusement. “Oh, don’t worry. It’s the reality,” he replied. There was a short silence, until it was cut with the sound of his message alert tone. He pulled out the phone from his pocket, squinting at the screen that displayed the nickname “Ruthless Truffle” at the middle. 

The message was simple. _Changed my mind._ _I’m free tonight. 8 would be good_. 

He stared at the screen for a few more seconds, trying to think of the reasons why she’d change her mind so suddenly. Knowing Zoya, she rarely changed her decisions once she said them, and it was surprising that she’d take back what she said earlier.

_Let me breathe today, at least._

Her words echoed in his ears, and Nikolai scratched at his head in wonder. The woman was really unpredictable. 

_What made you change your mind?_ he typed, only to delete it after contemplating over it for a moment. _Sure, okay,_ he messaged instead, hitting the send button before he could even hesitate. 

Whatever her reason was, perhaps he’d never know about it, so he shoved the thought away. He’d still have to update Kirigin about tonight.

  
  
  


Nikolai hesitated on the sidewalk. A few more buildings and a street over, he’d finally be over at Carveya, where he told Kirigin the meetup would be. _I’m just going to check if things are going smoothly_ , he kept thinking ever since he left his unit and found himself nearing the small restaurant. 

_You’re being a creep, Nikolai_ , another voice in his mind echoed, which was the main reason for his hesitation. and Nikolai sighed exasperatedly to himself. The voices in his head were almost at war of convincing him on what to do. And if he were to be honest, the thought of Zoya’s mood changing all of a sudden earlier still bothered him into oblivion, and once something unresolved lingered in his mind, Nikolai would end up thinking about it all day.

“Screw it,” he muttered to himself, finding the will to start walking again. The time on his watch displayed that it was already twenty past eight in the evening, and surely their date had already begun. 

Nikolai reached the corner of Keramzin and Kribirsk, and he stopped by the street post, Carveya already in sight at the other side. As per usual, they were seated at the same spot as the past other dates that they both had, which was quite ironic and funny at the same time. 

He shoved his hands inside his pockets as he leaned on the post, sighing contentedly, a soft smile coming up to his lips. They seemed to be getting along well with Zoya smiling every once in a while, which had always been a rare sight to see. 

It was not unknown to him that Kirigin had been taking a liking to Zoya for a while, even going through the lengths of passing on messages to Nikolai to be sent to the raven-haired woman, and the blond always appeased to the request, though Zoya would just brush it off with a huff most of the time.

But seeing the two of them now, Nikolai held mixed feelings over it that he couldn’t understand. Though he felt the triumph of possibly being able to prove Zoya wrong on their deal, the smile felt forced and unreal. He was supposed to feel elated, not confused or feel like something heavy was pushing down on his chest. 

_It’s because you wish you were the one there in front of her instead of him_ , an unwanted voice in his head rang, and Nikolai had to draw in a sharp breath. He then let it out in a huff of disbelief, as if he were insulted by his own conscience in his mind, but he knew better than to ignore it. 

Because, he realized with a start, it was true. 

Nikolai pushed himself off the post, the thought drilling into his mind further until he fully absorbed what it meant, and he couldn’t help a wince come up to his face. That wasn’t supposed to happen. He was here to check on things, not have this—this _realization_.

The thought of Zoya finally finding someone else hadn’t really bothered him this much. While he was aware of the one-nightstands she’d been having occasionally, Nikolai knew it wouldn’t stray far from that. 

But now—

Nikolai shut the thought out before it could get worse than it already was.

He started to turn back to where he came from, getting already frustrated with himself, but the thought remained in his mind and continued to bother him. It was only when a rushed movement in his peripheral vision occurred did he stop from going back to his unit, and he looked across the street just in time to see Zoya stand up abruptly from her seat. 

The scene happened quickly—Kirigin also stood up, but Zoya only raised a hand and shook her head before rushing out of the place, leaving the other man by the table. 

Nikolai watched the whole exchange in absolute confusion, multiple thoughts coming up to his mind at once and clouding over his previous ones that he almost forgot why he came here in the first place. 

Had something come up? Hadn’t they gotten along properly? 

His feet were already moving towards the direction the woman took off before he could even realize it, and if—he hoped—his hunch was right, Nikolai knew just where she would go to breathe.

It took him at least several minutes and roads over until he arrived at the city park by the bay that separated Os Alta from Adena. The place was eerily silent, except for the occasional sound of the rushing waves of the bay, and it was almost deserted at this time. 

Nikolai broke into a jog to get to the left side of the park nearest to the bay, where he remembered Zoya frequented whenever she wanted to blow off steam or just admire the view of the neighboring city lights at night.

The raven-haired woman was indeed there, sitting on one of the benches with her shoulders hunched forward and her clasped hands pressed to her eyes. The wind picked up, and Nikolai saw her shiver slightly, her sleeveless black dress barely covering her up from the cold.

He let out a sigh as he walked over the woman, his hand coming up to his button-down and shrugging it off, and he was left in his gray shirt.

Nikolai wrapped the garment around Zoya’s shoulders when he neared her, effectively startling the raven-haired woman, but letting out a breath of relief a moment later when she looked up and recognized him.

“You ought to have brought a scarf or something if you don’t want to catch a cold at this time of the day,” he said before sitting down beside her. He leaned comfortably on the backrest of the bench, trying to at least look at ease and turning a little to her direction. “It’s kind of colder during the nights now than it was the last few weeks.” 

Zoya was looking down at her hands, her shoulders still hunched forward. The thick waves of her hair obscured the side of her profile, and Nikolai couldn’t gauge her expression. Whatever happened back at Carveya, or even if it was just a thought that occurred to her or anything, it was hitting enough to make her like this.

She looked sideways at him later, finally seeing the sheen layer of what he could recognize as tears in her eyes, and Nikolai knew at that moment he’d do anything to bring back the usual fire in them again.

“Aren’t you cold?” asked Zoya, shrugging the button-down shirt tighter around her. The lack of the typical Zoya tone in her voice had him blinking in surprise. 

“You know I like the cold weather, truffle,” he replied and gave her a lopsided smile. 

Zoya huffed softly, turning away and looking back down at her hands. “I remembered just now.” 

There was a long silence after that. Nikolai glanced at the girl warily, not wanting to be the first one to break the quietness. It was so, so rare to witness Zoya in this state. Usually it was him that she saw at times like these, when he’d suddenly shut down for a while and not been himself. 

But somehow, Zoya had always been there to pull him out of the dark.

“What are you doing here, Nikolai?” she asked, looking up from her hands but not at him, and the tiredness in her voice didn’t go unnoticed by the blond. “How did you even know I was here?”

Nikolai racked his mind for answers because he hadn’t really thought that far when he followed her. His mind had only focused on making sure she was alright. “Oh, the weather report mentioned a raven-haired storm nearby.” 

He settled for his witty and sarcastic replies instead, and he hoped that it’d somehow decrease the tension around them. But when she didn’t look any different, Nikolai let out a nervous laugh.

“I’m joking, okay. I just have my ways.”

Zoya gave him a look of disbelief. “Were you following me?”

“I just happened to pass by.”

“Pass by,” she echoed, tone incredulous, and she shook her head with a tired chuckle. “Yeah, sure. Okay.” 

Nikolai recoiled a little. Something had happened back at Carveya that made her like this, and he couldn’t help but blame himself as well because he was the one that set her up tonight.

He opened his mouth to ask her about earlier, to ask if he had made a mistake of finding a person to set her up with, to ask if Kirigin had said or done something wrong so he could talk with the other man tomorrow, but Nikolai hesitated and never got to continue to speak.

If she wanted to tell him about it, she would. He realized that it was her choice whether to talk about it or not, and so he didn’t ask.

“I—” Nikolai stopped, trying to find the correct words to say. “Well, I’ll be honest. I just came to check on you two, but then I saw you leaving abruptly.” He paused, looking at the bay beyond the railings across the sidewalk in front of them. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t trip yourself or something.” 

He felt her gaze on him, but Nikolai didn’t take his eyes away from looking at the city beyond, thinking that if he stared right back at her he’d say something that he might regret later. 

“I’m not as klutzy as you are, Lantsov,” she said, and Nikolai laughed. Then she added softly, “But thank you for coming here.”

Nikolai turned to Zoya then, mouth slightly agape and not sure if he heard her just right. She had this faraway look in her blue eyes, like when she was thinking keenly during their council meetings or when she was admiring the view of the skies at day and night.

His mind blanked for a moment, and Nikolai ended up blinking his stupor away. He smiled softly. “Anything for you,” he said. 

Zoya sighed as she looked away, leaning back on the backrest so they were shoulder-to-shoulder, and Nikolai became aware of the close proximity of their bodies. Maybe he should’ve put a much more space between them so he wouldn’t have any trouble thinking of coherent thoughts. 

“This isn’t working.” 

Nikolai raised a brow, slightly confused. “Why do you sound like you’re breaking up with me?”

Zoya narrowed her eyes at him, but Nikolai only felt relieved when she did. At least she was still quite herself. “You’re infuriating, you know that?” she said in disbelief. 

“Yes, and thank you, that’s so sweet.” Nikolai grinned, real and genuine. She still found him infuriating, which was a good thing. If it were anyone else, he’d probably be surprised. But this was Zoya, the living epitome of straightforwardness and strength and honesty. “I’m sorry, but what’s not working again?” 

“The deal.” 

Nikolai pulled off his glasses and hung it over the neckline of his shirt, rubbing a hand to his eyes. He didn’t know how to respond to that because it was partly true, but he still refused to waver. If there’s something he could be proud of, it was his never-ending optimism on everything.

“I just—” Zoya released a frustrated sigh and shook her head. “I don’t know anymore.” 

“Okay, I have a confession to make.” Nikolai winced. The words tumbled out of his mouth even before he could think of it and now he was left to tell the truth. “Kirigin was supposed to be the first person I’d set you up with.”

Zoya looked puzzled, her eyebrows tightly drawn together. “What do you mean?”

“The one with Nina—well, you could consider it void.” 

She continued to look at him with the same expression. The frown never left her face as she inclined her head a little as a cue for him to go on.

Nikolai looked away from the intensity of her gaze, reaching a hand up to the back of his neck. “It was a sudden change of plans when I saw her Instagram update that she was here in the city,” he said, voice lowering with every word. “And I know you two haven’t seen each other for a while so I tried to find a way, thus the meetup. There you go.”

He still refused to meet her eyes, afraid that he’d only see a look of disappointment. But when Zoya gave a light chuckle after a long moment, he turned to her with a frown.

“You are just as impossible as you are infuriating, Lantsov.” 

Nikolai gave an amused huff in reply. “I do my best, truffle.” 

Another long silence followed, but it was a calmer this time, the gloomy vibe in the air around them thinning for a bit. Nikolai was thankful for quiet times like this, with a companion he trusted the most, and there were no words needed to feel at ease, her presence alone was enough to give him a moment of serenity.

It was also during times like these when his mind would wander dangerously at areas that he should stay away from. 

Like the thought of them having this kind of moment during late nights whenever they felt like it, talking about anything they could think of.

Or the thought of him not needing any excuse to see her every day.

Or the thought of seeing her smile every now and then, and knowing the reasons of those smiles were him. 

Or—

Nikolai stopped himself from thinking any further. The thoughts sent a vice-like grip to his heart, and he struggled to breathe evenly. It was only a fantasy, an augmented reality, and he was willing to do anything to make it come true.

But he knew, _he knew_ , that these thoughts would never happen. 

“Maybe I’m not meant to find anyone.” 

The words startled Nikolai enough to bring him out of his thoughts, and he turned to Zoya with a frown. Did she really believe that? “Where did that come from?”

“It’s obvious, Nikolai,” Zoya said, waving a hand up in a wild gesture. “They only want me for my looks, never for who I am. No one will.” 

_I’m here_ , Nikolai wanted to say, but he bit his tongue to prevent the words from coming out. In reality, he wanted to protest more, to tell her that that was not true, that there will surely be someone who did. 

_Are you that someone, Nikolai?_

He shut the voice down and buried it back in the depths of his conscience. This wasn’t the time. “Hey,” he said, trying to catch her eyes. When she still refused to turn, he said more seriously, “Hey, look at me.”

Zoya finally turned to him, and the tears that he had seen earlier were there again, already on the verge of falling. Whatever Nikolai was about to say died in his throat. “I don’t want to remember it anymore,” she said, almost brokenly, and Nikolai felt his chest constrict unexpectedly. “I’m so, so tired—” She stopped abruptly. She gave a huff of frustration and turned away, wiping a hand to her eyes. “I can’t believe the fear is still here when it’s been years since it happened.” 

Nikolai stared helplessly at Zoya. He knew too well what she was talking about. How she was once in a toxic relationship years ago, how that said relationship changed her perspective on certain things completely, how it hurt her emotionally—Nikolai knew all about it. 

And it hurt _him_ to see her this way again. 

“Sometimes I ask myself if I’d tried too much, been too naïve—”

“Zo—”

“—because I believed every word he said, _every little lie—_ ” 

“ _Zoya_.”

She released a breath and closed her eyes, pushing a clenched fist to the spot between her eyebrows. “I should have never believed that he did love me back.” 

Nikolai reached over to her clenched hand that was pressed tightly to her forehead and pulled it away gently. Zoya let him, feeling her hand shaking as he did, so he gave it a tight squeeze, hoping that it was enough. 

Slowly, her fist loosened, and Nikolai intertwined their fingers together, keenly aware that he was dangerously treading across that invisible line between them, but he didn’t care. 

He remembered the times he was in her position, when the voices in his head grew louder than his own, and he was left to succumb to it and wait for it to pass. 

His episodes never went unnoticed by Zoya. But she rarely spoke anything nice whenever she did know about them. Instead, she would give him a firm grip on his shoulder. A small, smug smile. A strong pat on the back. Even a ruffle on the hair sometimes. And as irrelevant as it may seem to others, it saved him countless times and those actions were enough to remind him that he was still there. 

The thing between them, it was never for comforting or soothing words. Instead they gave each other strength. Kept each other marching. Be each other’s pillar. 

The unspoken agreement between them to pull each other out at their worst came in unexpected ways—even a kick on the shoulder counted as one—but it had always worked for them, to the ones who saw each other through thick and thin.

It was what made them almost inseparable.

Zoya didn’t say anything, but she gripped his hand back nonetheless, her shoulders shaking with every ragged breath she drew.

“You’re still here, Zo,” Nikolai said with all the conviction he had, and Zoya gave a laugh that almost sounded like a choked sob, her hold on his hand tightening more. “You’re still here.” 

He remembered her telling that to him at times, and now it was his turn to say it back. He could only hope that it was enough, that he was enough. 

They stayed like that for a little longer, no words being said and hands clasped tightly. Zoya’s breathing evened out eventually, and Nikolai felt relieved. Perhaps he’d call off their deal, considering that he was the one who made it to try and prove a point. But he’d never wanted it to end up like this.

For now, he was contented with their current position.

Whatever _this_ was. 

While he had always been aware of the thing between them, Nikolai couldn’t understand it fully, or even put it into words. 

He never got an answer to that, and he wished he would soon enough. 

“You’re still infuriating, Lantsov,” she said after a while.

“Harsh.”

“Honest.”

Nikolai chuckled, gently patting their twined hands on his lap. He gave her a grin, and he felt it grow wider when she returned it with a small one of her own. “Don’t worry, I’ve already made that my middle name.” His smile softened as he gazed at her with obvious relief. “Good to know you still know how to compliment me.” 

Zoya turned her head to the other side and her hand moved to wipe at her eyes before she looked back at him a moment later, the old fire in them slowly starting to come back. “I guess I owe you today,” she said and squeezed his hand one more time before letting go. 

He tried his best not to pull her hand back to his. “Well, for the record, I think I could consider this a paid debt?”

The raven-haired storm only gave an amused huff. “I’ll think about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> College is back to haunt and kill me. 
> 
> We're halfway through this, and I'll try to update on Thursday or Friday. Cheers! ;)


	5. Part V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both have trouble trying to figure out their messed-up thoughts especially after sharing a moment in the park that night, and Nikolai admits something that he has been holding for a long while.

“Why is this old hag suddenly moving the exam on Monday?” Zoya said, her voice almost rising to a shout. 

It was a good thing that Ravka made most of the rooms soundproof including the council room, and they could shout as much as they wanted during meetings and arguments. She was working on the request letter that the maintenance asked them for again when a notification appeared at the bottom right of her laptop informing them that their midterm exam had been moved to Monday, which was only two days from now. 

“Calm down,” Genya said with a grimace without looking away from the screen of her phone. “We have another minor problem. David just informed me he’s having a hard time talking to the head of the music department on the gears for the event.”

Zoya put a hand up to her head and closed her eyes. She was already feeling the symptoms of a migraine barreling its way towards her. “I thought that’s already been taken care of?”

“Unfortunately, no. They’d become a bit strict with the permits when one of their components was returned with a malfunction.” 

“I’ll tell Nikolai to talk to the department head instead. He might be able to work his way to them with his charm. Besides, he’s been a member of the Music Club for years.” Zoya went back to working on her task, when she remembered something. “Speaking of that idiot, where is he again?” 

Genya glanced at her screen for a moment before looking at Zoya with a puzzled look. “It’s Friday, and I know he has a class at nine. And it’s only a quarter to ten.”

“He told me that their professor had only left them with an online activity and there’s no need to come to class.”

“I don’t know, maybe he’s passed out somewhere? You know how little he sleeps.” 

Zoya sighed. “Too well,” she mumbled, mostly to herself, and she realized how true her words were. And there were times she wished she didn’t, so things wouldn’t have to be as complicated as they were now. 

Neither she nor Nikolai would admit it out loud, or probably never would, but Zoya knew that something shifted between them two nights ago, when the walls around her went down and she was left vulnerable, and Nikolai was there to see her. 

Usually she would keep her guards up around anyone, even when she already felt like breaking apart, but there was just something in Nikolai’s presence that made her feel reassured. Calm. Secure. He had been all of those that night, and Zoya was reminded of how she felt when he held her hand tightly and brought her back to herself.

She would eternally be grateful for that.

“By the way,” Genya said, breaking through the short silence and snapping Zoya out of her thoughts, “has Nikolai told you about it yet? Ehri is enrolling back here next school year.”

Zoya’s fingers abruptly stopped typing, and her fingers twitched over the keys. The redhead just knew how and when to catch her off guard. She blinked, recovering from her momentary distraction, and continued her work. There was no time to waste; she still had to review at the library.

She met Genya’s eyes above the screen of her laptop, giving her typical deadpan expression. “He hasn’t,” Zoya replied, which was actually the truth. Though she had already suspected that when she saw them at The Barrel two days ago. “What about it?” 

Genya shrugged, but Zoya could notice the look of disappointment on her face. “Nothing, nothing. Just thought you knew already.” 

Zoya shook her head and focused back on her laptop, or tried to. The words only seemed to fly out in a jumbled mess and she wasn’t sure if her eyes were just tired for only having a three-hour sleep last night, or if she had been looking at the screen far too longer than necessary. 

This definitely had nothing to do with Genya’s news.

She gave it a few more tries until she was able to finish it at exactly ten, and she could finally retreat to depths of the library to review for the upcoming exam. Just as she was returning her laptop to its bag, the door to the council room burst open, and the blond idiot appeared on the doorway in all his confident glory. 

Nikolai waved at the two of them a tad bit awkwardly. “Sorry, Ehri needed help around in the admission for a while,” he said. 

_Oh, so that’s why. So much for being passed out somewhere._

Zoya frowned at the incoherent thoughts that started to rush to her mind, her movements becoming sharper than she intended. She sighed quietly, not wanting to give Genya the triumph she was expecting when Zoya felt the redhead’s gaze on her, and turned to Nikolai with what she hoped was an amused look. But she could only feel it turn into a small sneer.

“Well, while you’re at it,” she said as she finished fixing her things and shrugging the bag on her shoulder, “the Thermodynamics exam’s moved this Monday.”

Nikolai’s eyebrows shot to his forehead, his eyes widening behind the frames of his glasses. “What?” 

“I know, same reaction. But I had it more violently.” She started walking towards the door. “And by the way, David needs help with the head of the Music Department. Perhaps you could talk your way to him? Bring Ehri if needed, we both know she’s the department’s favorite.” 

Zoya brushed past the blond, feeling the gazes from him and Genya following her, and she hadn’t made it to the door when she felt a hand around her forearm that startled her enough to turn sharply. 

Nikolai recoiled a little, his grip loosening for a bit but not letting go completely. “You okay?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

She looked at him incredulously. “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t I be?” she asked, raising a brow. Then a small voice echoed in her mind. _Are you really?_ She fought the irritation starting to build up in her and she released a breath. “I’m heading to the library, and unless you want me to take you there, you can let me go now.”

The blond eyed her warily for a moment before letting go. Zoya could basically see the wheels in his mind working endlessly as she looked through his eyes and saw the confusion in them, making her feel quite bad for the words she’d said.

Zoya just didn’t expect to remember feeling like this again—the certain want for something or someone that could never be hers, or the unwelcomed pain that hit her when Nikolai told them where he’d been the moment he came in the room.

It was something she didn’t want to experience again.

She tried to give him a small smile, but it felt forced and looked more like a grimace, so she decided against it. “I’ll see you later in class,” she said and rushed out of the room, the thoughts in her mind never feeling this messed up before. 

The walk to the library felt far; her mind going haywire with the thoughts she didn’t want to wander on. She had always known that jealousy was a dangerous thing; it was what made her blind years ago, back when she was willing to do anything for the love she had longed for, only to realize that it was all a lie made to use her for getting what he wanted. 

Zoya used to believe that the power she held over other people always put her at an advantage, but as she learned through the hardest of ways, she realized that it always came with a price. A price that was hard to pay for. 

A force almost knocked her off her feet as she rounded the hallway towards the library, but she was able to find her footing and prevent herself from falling face-first to the ground.

“I’m so sorry—”

She looked up, almost ready to reprimand the person who bumped into her, and the words died in her throat. The fates must have decided to punish and catch her off guard today. 

“Oh—hey, Zoya.” 

Zoya gave an awkward grin. “Good morning, Kirigin,” she greeted the guy, suddenly reminded on what she had done at Carveya two nights ago. She knew she had to face him at some point, but she didn’t expect that time to be right now. “Look, about last Wednesday night—”

Kirigin cut her off with a light laugh. “Maybe it’s better to talk about this at the cafeteria. It’s barely lunch time, people haven’t bombarded it yet, hopefully.” He paused, hitching a thumb over his shoulder. “Is that okay?”

She smiled softly at the boy’s considerate side, and she found herself accepting his offer. “Sure, lead the way.”

They sat at the farthest corner of the place, where the fewest people were around, and true enough to Kirigin’s earlier judgment, the cafeteria wasn’t packed with students yet. 

Zoya thumbed at the rim of the paper cup that contained a freshly made coffee, still trying to find the right words to tell Kirigin. She wasn’t great with words, that’s more of Genya’s and Nikolai’s specialty. She sometimes wished she had it, but most of the time they were the sharp ones that always contained raw honesty and the truth. 

“I apologize for walking out that night,” she started, trying her best not to wince at the lack of sincerity of her own voice. She had never been one for apologizing, but she knew when to do so if she was in the wrong. She cleared her throat before continuing to speak. “Nothing would excuse the rudeness I showed. I’m sorry for that.”

Kirigin only waved a dismissive hand. “No, no. I should apologize, I must have overwhelmed you,” he replied, a grimace evident on his lips. He inclined his head to the side, as if he was hesitating to say something. “Was it something that I said?”

_I like strong women like you._ The words echoed in Zoya’s ears and she fought a wince coming up to her face as the ringing in her head started growing louder. She was reminded of the exact same line that someone once told her, of the dark times of her past, and even of her old, selfish ways.

“—Zoya?” 

She jerked back a little, thankful for the pull back to reality. Zoya blinked repeatedly and turned to Kirigin, who was looking at her with concern.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just—spaced out for a bit,” Zoya replied and cleared her throat, trying to shake off the lingering thoughts in her mind. “Maybe I was just overwhelmed. It’s been a while since I last did a date of sorts.” 

Kirigin nodded slowly in understanding. “That explains it,” he said. 

Zoya sighed. She felt bad for not telling the whole truth, but she couldn’t say the real reason behind to just anyone. “I guess,” she agreed. 

There was a momentary silence that surrounded them, the awkward air coming back. Zoya was left to finish the remaining of her coffee in hopes to calm her nerves, the bittersweet taste of the mix doing its magic just right.

“If I may ask,” Kirigin said after a while, “can you give me another chance?” He looked hopeful for a second, but he blinked and waved a hand. “If it’s alright with you, of course.”

Zoya opened her mouth to answer, but only to close it again when she found that she had none at all, and oh so suddenly, without even knowing why, Nikolai’s image flashed before her eyes. A wave of panic rushed through her. _What the hell?_

“I—” She swallowed the lump in her throat, still in a daze of panic, and her next words were said in hesitation. “I don’t think I can.” 

For once, she refused to meet Kirigin’s eyes, and Zoya was never the one who looked away first. She was still shocked over the sudden appearance of him in her mind, trying to understand what on earth it had meant. 

She was distracted when Kirigin laughed. Zoya turned to him with a puzzled look, her eyebrows furrowed. 

“Don’t worry, I was already expecting that. Just wanted to try and ask. Thank you for being honest with me,” he said and gave her a lopsided smile. Then his expression changed and he inclined his head to the side, looking at her with mild amusement in his eyes. “I think I already know the reason why.”

Zoya raised an eyebrow at that statement. “What do you mean?”

“It’s Nikolai, isn’t it?”

She found herself also pondering on the question. _Was he really the reason of my refusal?_

Zoya tried to think about the infuriating blond, how he always seemed to rile or annoy her, how his smiles and jokes helped brighten her mood most of the time, how he would help her to get up on her feet during her odd times, how he wasn’t afraid to go head-to-head with her, how he knew to handle her sharp words and actions, and how he just knew her. 

Then she was reminded of the time she saw him and Ehri leaving The Barrel together, and how the small sting in her chest of seeing them brought her to change her mind about the meetup being postponed to the next day.

A realization hit her, and she took the impact full force, making her blink repeatedly as the thought slowly started to sink in and it brought her mind to a panicking mess.

Zoya looked back at Kirigin, hoping that her expression wouldn’t give her away just yet. “I don’t know,” she said, but the words felt hollow when she already knew the truth. _Yes, it’s him._ She shook her head, as if she could deny and lie more to herself, and repeated, “I don’t know.” 

Kirigin only smiled again as he stood up. There wasn’t anything to it, just a genuine, friendly smile. “I think you already know, Zoya, you just have to be honest to yourself,” he said. Then he gave her a polite bow. “Thank you for your answer. I guess I’ll see you around campus. Have a good day ahead of you.” He raised a hand in farewell before leaving quietly. 

Zoya stared at Kirigin’s retreating form, her mouth agape with his previous words. 

_You just have to be honest to yourself._

She drew in a sharp breath, willing herself to move from her seat. But she found out that she couldn’t, with the weight of the realization still dawning her. The old fear was starting to resurface, and Zoya felt as if her heart was on her sleeve again, vulnerable to be hurt and stomped on. 

There was a time in the past when she would still bare her heart readily, always allowing herself to see things in a different perspective and willing to take risks for love.

But after all she’s gone through, the walls around her started growing bigger and bigger until she, herself, couldn’t see what was beyond in fear of experiencing the pain that made her ideals to be of the maximum reality. 

It was only ironic that her hardened exterior that she had spent years to cover her true self could just be easily broken by a certain idiotic blond.

_Are you willing to take that risk again?_

Zoya was sure that the world had taken a liking to throw her off balance today, and it was safe to conclude that it was doing a good job at doing so. 

And still, Kirigin’s words continued to echo in her mind. _Great,_ she thought, _another conscience._

Easier said than done, it was.

*********************************

Nikolai didn’t know how many times he had hesitated in his life. But if he were to take a guess, he could say he’d already reached at least a million times. 

He found himself getting intimidated with the all-too-familiar high-rise where his sister had been staying at, as well as the raven-haired storm he had been trying to get out of his mind for the past several days, but always failed to do so. 

What was he even doing here?

He had spent his whole Saturday and Sunday morning burying himself in textbooks and endless streams of numbers as he tried to put all the examination coverage in his mind at once, all because their professor decided to move their deaths earlier than he intended.

Now Nikolai was in front of the lobby of the apartment complex on the night before their dreaded exam, still trying to ask himself if it was the right thing to come here.

After the weird shift of Zoya’s mood at the council room last Friday, she hadn’t showed up for their next class, which wasn’t a very-Zoya thing to do. The storm had always been the upright type, and she’d never let Nikolai live it through if he missed classes on purpose. 

But when it had been her turn to do the ‘forbidden’, he already knew that something was wrong. 

Nikolai released an annoyed huff. He knew he was overthinking things again, but he couldn’t help getting worried about her. 

After he had seen her bare her heart to him several days ago, Nikolai knew something had shifted between them, that invisible line finally obvious. The reminder itself brought a new wave of panic through him as he walked across the lobby to head towards the elevators at the side. 

He anxiously waited for the doors to open, and almost tripped on his way inside when the lift arrived. Thankfully, no one was there to see the embarrassing thing he had done to himself, and the doors finally closed.

It took Nikolai another second to let the thought sink in that he was here in Zoya’s apartment complex and on the way to her place, and he hadn’t really thought of a reason to tell her if he ever came to her door.

His fingers hovered over the number to Zoya’s floor, but he found himself pressing the button to his sister’s out of panic instead. If Linnea were to see his current state, his demon sister would probably just laugh at him.

The elevator started to go up, the ascension adding to the spinning of his head due to his current restlessness. It was quite tiring, if Nikolai were to be asked, the constant thoughts plaguing his mind whenever they liked. But he supposed he could look at it as a good reason for him to drink coffee and such.

He arrived at his sister’s floor and got out of the lift, turning to the right hall and walking towards the third to the last door that he remembered was the one Linnea had been staying at. 

Nikolai raised a hand and knocked on the door. It took at least ten seconds for him to hear muffled footsteps becoming louder behind the door and stopped. There was a series of clicks and the door opened a little, revealing his younger female version looking at him with a puzzled look.

“Nick?” Linnea asked and her eyebrows furrowed even more. “Wait, are you really my big brother and not just someone in a really good disguise as him?” 

If she hadn’t been the one who made his childhood a little bearable, Nikolai was sure he would’ve already strangled her too. “Now I know why we’re blood-related,” he replied with a smile that he was sure looked more like a wince. 

Linnea laughed, opening the door wider. “Well, get your ass in since you’ve already crashed on my door. And I’m not the one to chase away visitors, no matter if they come unexpected.” She paused, as if considering what she said. Then she waved a dismissive hand, shooing him away. “Wait, no. When it comes to you, I would make an exception.” 

Nikolai flicked her on the forehead, earning a protest from the other blond. “How sweet of you, my dear little female version.” He brushed past her and heard the door close behind him. 

He took in the sight of his sister’s place, it’s almost as the same as the arrangement of Zoya’s apartment, but this one’s a bit disoriented and he swore he could see his own place in front of him, and it hadn’t lost a homey feeling around it. 

“Quite a mess, I know. You think too loud.” Linnea ruffled his hair violently, to which he protested loudly at, his glasses falling off his ears as she walked past him and headed straight to the kitchen. “Coffee, I suppose?”

Nikolai fixed his glasses and chuckled, moving to sit on the couch in the living room. “You read my mind,” he replied with a grin. 

A few minutes later, Linnea came back with two steaming mugs of coffee in both of her hands, setting them down on the round table at the center. Nikolai snatched his and drank in hopes to sedate his nerves that never seemed to calm. 

“So, what brings my annoying big brother here at my place?” she asked as she settled down on the smaller couch across Nikolai’s, mug in hand. She smirked at him through the rim of the porcelain. “Love problems, perhaps?” 

Nikolai almost spat out his drink, and he went to a violent fit of coughing, the scalding liquid burning his throat. “Look,” he wheezed, “if you wanted to kill me, please do it swiftly.” He knew at that moment that his sister could now also be categorized as an infuriating blond. “Saints, you have no filter.”

Linnea laughed loudly and took a long swig of the drink before setting it down. The smug smile was still visible on her face. “I’m right, then.” 

“Am I that transparent?”

“Trust me, I know.” She shook her head, eyes twinkling in amusement. “Zoya looked the same way as you when I saw her at the gym earlier.” 

Nikolai frowned. Now he could really deduce that something wrong happened with her. But the big question would always be ‘what’. “Did she tell you why?” he asked as he started to move his mug in a swirling motion, quite anxious over the reason why the raven-haired woman looked distressed as well.

Linnea pursed her lips, as if she were considering whether to answer or not. Though she still did end up doing so. “She didn’t elaborate,” she replied. “But she said that she thinks she’s finally taken a liking over a guy.” 

The movement of Nikolai’s hand stopped abruptly and his mind tried to think of the person Zoya had finally realized her feelings with, the thought sending unwanted constrictions in his chest.

_Kirigin?_

Most likely. Nikolai had seen them at the cafeteria last Friday when he tried to find her in hopes of talking to her about her earlier demeanor, but retreated when he spotted them talking rather closely at the far corner.

He stared at the empty table in front of him as he brought the mug up to his lips, a sad smile twitching on his mouth. 

Then there was a loud bang on the table, causing Nikolai to jerk back and spill some coffee on his shirt. He turned and saw Linnea gripping her mug by the rim, her knuckles almost white, and almost pushing it down the glass.

He sent an annoyed look to his sister. “Linnea, what the hell?” 

Linnea sent back an annoyed expression of her own. “Alright, you need to toughen your ass up before you lose her to someone else,” she said with a mocking sweet smile. “She’s just a few floors up. Get up there.”

Nikolai looked puzzled. “To what?”

“To confess, you absolute moron.” 

His mind panicked, but he still managed to send a look of disbelief that seemed convincing enough. His next words felt weak. “There’s nothing to tell.”

Linnea almost looked like she was ready to murder him. “How come I’m related to such dense, blind, moronic—”

Nikolai glared at her above the frames of his glasses, expecting the blond to stop, but she didn’t, and she leveled his glare with her own. She was his sister, after all. 

“—stupid, annoying dork?”

“Are you finished?”

“No.” Linnea’s glare didn’t waver. “What are you really doing here, Nikolai?” she asked, almost demandingly, her usual playful tone in her voice now gone and replaced with seriousness Nikolai didn’t expect so suddenly. But he found himself contemplating over the answer to the question, knowing that nothing could escape his sister’s observant nature.

_That’s the same question I ask myself as well,_ Nikolai thought with a dark chuckle, finishing the remains of the coffee in his mug and not minding if it burned, because he barely felt it with his mind in total shambles. 

He knew why he was here. He had come here to see Zoya, but fear and hesitation had seized his mind even before he had the courage to go see her. 

“Is it bad to visit the infuriating, younger, spitting-image of Nikolai?” 

“Looking like a mess and almost ready to burst a mouthful of frustration?” Nikolai winced at his sister’s words. Never had he heard such accurate description of his current state. “Convincing, big brother, but it won’t work on me.”

Nikolai found that he had no answer to that and he stared at the mug instead, suddenly finding the exotic design etched on it interesting. He could still feel the heavy gaze from Linnea that almost made him want to shrink back on the couch because he found out he couldn’t put anything into words.

He had always been good with words, had mastered the art of charming and convincing people using words, and he’d do it as easy as breathing. 

But he realized when it came to his feelings, his heart, he found himself getting easily tongue-tied.

Nikolai had known about what it felt of not being enough, the need to always be a better version of himself, even the desperation to be accepted, and through experiencing all of those he had built different versions of himself—different masks—to show other people what they wanted to see. 

He had done so for as long as he remembered, coming to a point that he himself couldn’t even recognize the mask he was wearing, and he’d have a hard time knowing what was real and not real, his heart following the process. 

It had become his thinking, his mindset, that he’d protect his real self from being seen, so that nothing could hurt him along the way, so he could know his way around the twists that were always thrown at him head-on.

The last time Nikolai had come so close to show himself, it didn’t end up the way he wanted it to, and he hadn’t taken it lightly because he was never the one to be rejected. 

Well, that’s what he used to think. Until a particular raven-haired storm who had barged unexpectedly into his life kicked him on his shoulder which woke him up from that belief. 

“I’m afraid,” he blurted out, the words just coming out from his mouth like they were begging themselves to be set free. He gripped at the mug tightly until his knuckles almost turned white, and he was sure that if he gripped harder, it would break. He shook his head in defeat. “I’m just afraid.”

“Of what, Nikolai?” The former edge in Linnea’s tone was gone. 

Nikolai opened his mouth to answer, but he couldn’t force anything out. 

_Of myself._

_Of pulling my mask away._

_Of showing who I am._

Nikolai huffed a laugh. The list could go on and on and on, but the next things were the ones that brought the real pain to his chest.

_I’m afraid of saying what I truly feel for her._

_I’m afraid of the rejection._

_I’m afraid of losing her._

The thoughts surfaced so naturally that he was convinced they had been there from the start. 

And they were. They always were.

Nikolai felt the raw emotion claw at his chest, like they had been locked away far too long and now freed from their restraints. 

“I don’t want to lose her,” he said, his voice unexpectedly breaking with every word. His eyes stung as his vision started to get a little blurry, and he slowly took his glasses off, setting them on the table. “I don’t want to lose her, Linnea,” he repeated, drawing in a shaky breath.

There was a short silence, and then Linnea asked softly, “Why?”

Nikolai was sure that she was just waiting for him to say it, to say the words he had kept hidden for years behind his teasing smiles and compliments, behind the endless banter and arguments, behind every rare, quiet moment they had, all because of the fear of losing her when he did tell her the truth.

Because he would rather choose to have her near him, even though he could never be with her, than losing her completely. 

Because she meant too much to him. 

And Nikolai was tired of lying to himself, and his reply came out freely, like the rushing of the water that broke from a dam.

A tear escaped his eye. “ _Because I love her_.” 

There it was. Out in the open. He couldn’t believe that he let himself finally embrace the truth and be honest after years of denying, the old profound feeling bringing another wave of fear through his mind. 

But Nikolai also felt as if something was lifted from his shoulders and he felt a little lighter. 

He finally looked at Linnea, who was staring back at him with a soft smile evident on her face, and she looked obviously relieved. “I love her,” Nikolai said again, spreading his arms wide in defeat. “There you go.”

Linnea laughed lightly. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” 

Nikolai chuckled through the blurriness of his vision, bowing his head down to the mug in his hands. He let out a tired laugh. “It was, actually,” he replied and shook his head. “I—I couldn’t even tell her.”

“I understand that now.” 

He could only laugh in return. The night definitely took a sharp turn. Nikolai hadn’t even expected himself to say anything, let alone tell someone—his sister, out of all people—how he truly felt over Zoya, when all he ever intended tonight was to put an end to the endless thoughts his mind.

Now he just felt. . . sad. The yearning over the raven-haired storm only becoming stronger when he finally admitted it to himself.

“You’re probably laughing at me right now,” Nikolai muttered a while later, looking up to Linnea, just in time to see the evident grin on her face. He narrowed his eyes. “Wow, you actually are.” 

Linnea laughed loudly as she got up from her seat. “I’m not laughing at you. I’m just totally happy and relieved that you finally admitted your undying love for our favorite raven-haired woman.” She walked over the couch he was sitting on and slumped next to him. She shook her head and wrapped him in a sideways hug, with his cheek resting on her arm. “You’re stupid, okay. That’s already given, but you’re still my big dork brother. You deserve to be happy. But you’re still stupid.” 

Nikolai felt a rather strong hit at the side of his head, to which he let out a string of curses at. “You know, if I count the times you’ve either axed me with words or literally, it would probably reach more than a thousand.” 

“That’s for taking you years to realize how you really feel about her.” 

“I appreciate the gesture,” he replied sarcastically, but sent a grateful smile after a moment. “Thank you. I guess I owe you today.”

Linnea raised a brow, an unamused expression on her face. “You owe me tons for putting up with your shit since we were kids.” 

“Well, you did learn a lot from 

“Touché, but still not enough.” She paused, narrowing her eyes at him all of a sudden. “Will you tell her?"

Nikolai winced. He hadn’t really decided when to, or if he still should, because of the fears he always carried in his mind with him. “I haven’t thought that far yet,” he replied. 

“Please don’t let it take you another several years to do so.” 

“It won’t.”

It wasn’t a total lie, because Nikolai didn’t know if he’d have the courage to tell her. 

_Tomorrow_ , he thought. He’d do it tomorrow.

Nikolai could only hope to the saints that they would help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two parts left to go. Cheers! :>


	6. Part VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both try to be honest, but still end up not being able to say what needed to be said.

The next day couldn’t pass by any quicker.

Nikolai had to split his mind into two when he went to his first major subject as early as nine and tried to concentrate on his current lecture and not forget about all he had reviewed for the past two days. But it became a challenge when their all too loving professor gave them a graded work that almost ate their humanity away.

That was the main reason why he looked like he was almost ready to crash down on the floor when came to his next class that he had spent his whole weekend preparing for. He would actually kill for extra time to just run to the cafeteria for a bit to have some coffee, but their room was on the other side of the building, making it impossible to do so.

He arrived at the front of their room just as the students from the previous class were dismissed, barely two minutes before theirs. Nikolai scanned the crowd waiting at the side of the doors, and he was able to spot the familiar ebony waves of the woman that had made his feelings keel over last night. She was standing near the door, head slightly bowed down as she stared at the air before her, and even from a distance, he could see the evident tiredness in her demeanor.

Nikolai was about to call out to her, but she already went in the room ahead of him, flanked by the rest of their classmates. 

He followed soon after, and squinted around to remember where his assigned seat was every examination. 

Almost unexpectedly, their eyes met from across the room, and Nikolai blanked and was rooted on the spot for a moment, suddenly reminded of last night like cold water being splashed onto his face.

While he was aware that he’d been gawking at Zoya, he still couldn’t bring himself to look away. It was only when she raised an eyebrow at him did he recover from his stupor, giving her a crooked smile instead and sending a mouthed, “good luck”. 

Zoya smiled a little as a reply, her gaze lingering for a second before she looked away.

Nikolai released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and walked over to his seat, just in time for their professor to arrive, carrying a stack of papers in his hand.

He grimaced at the sight. They all had to survive the war for two hours.

Nikolai thumbed the rim of the paper cup in his hands, mind still in a daze after finishing the exam. It had been quite easy—easier than he had expected—and he was able to finish it in an hour and a half, though his head felt like it was splitting in two.

He closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair, savoring the quietness of the council room and the scent of coffee in his hands. It was surprising that Genya hadn’t been in the room when he came in; the redhead always seemed to frequent here. 

The door opened with a loud squeak and Nikolai chuckled, eyes still closed. 

“It’s definitely shocking that you’re not the first one in here, my dear Genya.”

The redhead didn’t answer, making Nikolai frown and open an eye as he looked over the direction of the door. But instead of the redhead, it was actually Zoya standing at the entrance, an eyebrow raised at him.

“Well, it’s definitely shocking to see _you_ here,” she said as she walked over the table, setting her things down on the surface. “Aren’t you supposed to be elsewhere?”

Nikolai straightened from his seat, furrowing his eyebrows. “Where would I be?” 

Zoya’s hands stopped pulling out papers from her bag for a moment, like she remembered something and just looked blankly at the space before her. She blinked after a second, continuing her notion. 

“I don’t know, running around and helping someone, perhaps?” 

It hit him, and Nikolai found himself chuckling at her. “Why, my ruthless truffle, are you jealous of someone else having my undivided attention?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Zoya huffed a laugh. “Yeah, you wish.”

He put a hand to his chest and feigned a hurt expression, though it did actually sting hearing her saying those words. “Harsh.”

“Honest.”

Nikolai smiled as he watched her browse through the stack of papers she had retrieved from her bag with narrowed eyes, the arch of her eyebrows drawn together that showed her signature frown, and he knew he could sit there and watch her without getting tired.

He could get used to this, watching her from the sidelines, never able to reach out to touch her or even be with her. He’d been able to hold back for years, and who’s to say he couldn’t do it again? 

But Nikolai knew it would be futile. She would still have more of that effect on him than she could ever know. 

Zoya let out a breath of relief suddenly, and Nikolai was brought out of his daze. “I forgot to give you this last Friday,” she said as she handed him a few papers. 

Nikolai grabbed his glasses that he set down on the table earlier and put them back to his eyes, taking the papers from Zoya’s hand and reading its contents.

“That’s the request letter the maintenance asked for again, and the other’s the permit that needs the signature of the music department head.” 

“Oh, alright. I hadn’t been able to talk to him last Friday. He’d left earlier than I expected and he wasn’t there last Saturday either.”

Zoya snorted. “Guess we’ll have to play hide-and-seek with him.” She put her things back in her bag. “Well, as much as I want to, I have to get to The Barrel.”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll take care of this.”

“Okay, good.” Zoya slung her backpack on her shoulder, turning towards the door. “See you.”

Nikolai shot to his feet. “Zoya—” he called out, already too late to stop himself when he realized he didn’t know what had gotten to him. 

Maybe it was the tired part of his mind suddenly acting on impulse, or the caffeine that gave him a burst of adrenaline, or he was just tired of lying to himself.

Zoya had already reached the doorway when he called to her, and she was now looking at him sideways, half-turned to the door, with an expectant expression on her face. “Yeah?”

This was it. He was going to tell her. He was finally going to tell her what he wanted to say for years.

_You will lose her._

Nikolai stilled. The words echoed in his head over and over. What a perfect time for the words to choose to be shouted inside his head.

He blinked, willing his mouth to cooperate, to tell her how he felt for her, to tell her the truth. _Just say it_ , he berated himself. But his voice seemed to have agreed with the other in his mind, and he couldn’t find the ability to speak all of a sudden.

Zoya was facing him fully now, her expression never wavering. “Nikolai, what is it?”

He opened his mouth to reply, but he couldn’t force himself to speak.

_I love you._

_I’ve loved you for years._

_I couldn’t tell you because I’m afraid to lose you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

Nikolai wanted to say all of them, to shout it and let the world hear it, to free himself from being hidden for far too long. 

But the voice of fear inside his head was louder than his will, and he found himself succumbing under the pressure of it.

_You will lose her._

His eyes stung, frustrated and angry at his own self. 

_You will lose her._

Nikolai shook his head and smiled softly at her instead, hoping that it would hide the mess of his thoughts from showing up in his expression. “Never mind, I just remembered the answer to the question I was supposed to ask,” he said, drawing in a shaky breath as quietly as he could.

_You will lose her._

“I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess. Be careful on your way.”

With a wave of goodbye, he turned around and walked over the shelf to where his bag was, not trusting himself to not breakdown in front of her because she’d definitely know something was wrong with him, if she hadn’t noticed that by now. 

Nikolai felt her gaze on him for a moment too long before he finally heard the sound of the door opening and closing, and he let his head bow down in defeat.

He let out a frustrated shout and hit the wooden shelf with a fist, the sound echoing throughout the whole room. But somehow, it wasn’t as loud as the sound of his own heart breaking. 

***************************

Zoya threw her backpack on the couch the moment she arrived back to her apartment after her shift. It was only half past six in the evening but she already felt like it was eleven and she was drained physically and mentally. 

She slumped down on the couch next to her bag and rested her head against the backrest. But she refused to close her eyes because the comfortableness of the cushion was definitely inviting her to sleep, and there were still some things she had to do.

She stood up from her seat to change into her loose dri-fit shirt and sweatpants before going back out to the kitchen to make coffee. The night was still young, and Zoya planned not to have any sleep until three. 

Just as she was waiting for the water to boil, she suddenly remembered Nikolai from the council room earlier in the morning. Something was bothering him, she noticed, even if he could still give grins and witty remarks over anything. She would know if something was up.

That’s what made it worse. She knew him too well. Most of the time, she wished she didn’t. She wished she didn’t know him by heart. His scent. His smiles. His quirks. His shitty jokes. His selflessness. His everything. _Him._

Zoya released an exasperated breath, gripping the edge of the counter tightly. This was exactly why she didn’t want to try and love again. The yearning, the ache, the pain, it would all be too much for her to bear, knowing that what she wanted—what she desperately wished for—had always been a hopeless case.

A frantic knock startled Zoya from her thoughts, and she turned to the direction of her front door with a frown. She glanced at the clock on the wall above the doorframe—who would come over at this ungodly hour?

Another set of knocking resounded and Zoya released an irritated breath as she stood up straight from the counter, grabbing the mug at her side, and walked over to the door. One could never know about the person standing outside. 

“Who the heck is it?” she called out loudly.

“It’s Genya. Open up.” 

Zoya peeked through the peephole and saw that there was indeed Genya outside her door, looking a little pissed with her lips pressed to a thin line and eyebrows drawn together tightly. 

_What’s up with her?_

The raven-haired woman opened the door. It was barely halfway open when Genya pushed it wider—causing Zoya to take a huge step back to avoid hitting herself with the door—and stomped in. 

Genya stopped at the center of the living room and crossed her arms, a deadly expression on her face. “Alright, general. Spill,” she said sternly, resulting in Zoya raising a brow to the redhead. 

“Spill what?” she asked, closing the door behind her.

“This deal you had with Nikolai.” 

Zoya winced involuntarily, reminding her of the last week’s event that made one thing lead to another and ended up to her current situation. “It’s just some stupid deal. Nothing interesting,” she replied, hoping that the redhead would accept the explanation. But then again, Genya wouldn’t.

“Some stupid deal,” Genya echoed, nodding her head slowly. “Stupid enough to frustrate our Golden Boy to oblivion?” 

“What do you mean?”

“I saw him at the council room earlier, just after you left.” She paused, her eyebrows furrowed and a puzzled look evident on her face. “He looked so. . . distressed. Lost. And he just accidentally slipped about the deal between you two. You know him, Zoya, he never gets frustrated. I mean he does, but he never acts upon it. And earlier was definitely not one of those days.”

Zoya pondered back to the events from earlier. She didn’t know what to make out of it, and she definitely knew he was about to say something back then. Something important. But suddenly decided against it and brushed it off instead.

She tried to think of what else could the blond say that could possibly reduce him to a mess of frustration. But when she couldn’t think of anything, Zoya shook her head in confusion and looked over at Genya.

“I have no idea why,” she said.

Genya sighed exasperatedly as she slumped down on the couch. “But really, what happened when I set you two up weeks ago? If I remember correctly you slipped about this deal you had as well.” She raised a finger to silence Zoya when the raven-haired woman opened her mouth to protest. “Don’t play innocent, my dear Zoya, I see everything.”

Zoya huffed a laugh, looking at the redhead incredulously and thinking how could Genya suddenly have the upper hand over her. Maybe her exhaustion finally took over her and rendered her unable to protest more.

She walked over the other leather seat, setting down the mug she was holding on the center table. “I have a feeling that you won’t leave here until I tell you everything.” 

Genya mocked a sweet smile. “You said what’s on my mind, general,” she replied and adjusted her position on the couch, straightening her back as if to show her authority tonight. “Elaborate.”

Multiple answers came to Zoya’s mind at once.

_Some stupid deal about finding the right one for us._

_The deal that always failed every time we tried to make it work._

_The one that made me realize things I didn’t want to._

She shook her head before telling Genya about it as simply as she could, not leaving out any details, even the smallest ones. The redhead’s intuition was at its peak at this point.

A little while later when Zoya was finished telling Genya all she had to say, the redhead put a hand to her face.

“Wow, you’re both idiots,” was all she said, closing her eyes and rubbing at her temples. “Seriously, the biggest idiots I’ve ever met.” 

Zoya raised a brow. “You enjoy calling us idiots, don’t you?” 

“It’s because you both are.” Genya made a face, the one that looked like she was about to say something more but was still hesitating to do so. She settled over a huff instead, shaking her head in disbelief. “I literally have no other words.”

“That’s actually better.” Zoya stood up from the chair and went to the kitchen to finish preparing her drink. She took out another mug and the container of coffee she had from the cabinet above her. 

Genya’s footsteps resounded behind her as she followed her to the kitchen. “Look, make this easier for you two,” the redhead said, tiredness obvious in her voice. “Stop dancing around each other.”

“Always easier said than done, Genya,” Zoya said gravely. She finished making the coffee in the mug and turned around to see Genya leaning over the dining table, her arms crossed to her chest. Zoya walked over to her and placed the cup at the redhead’s side. “Here, have some caffeine to calm your nerves.”

The other woman just stared at her, desperation on her expression, but she took the mug otherwise. 

Zoya exhaled roughly. “Look, he doesn’t return the feeling,” she found herself saying suddenly before she could even think of it, and her eyes widened. She would always look back at this moment and scold herself for nothing being able to hold her tongue.

Genya’s hand stopped midway, and she had the same expression as Zoya. “Did you just admit—”

“Forget it,” Zoya cut her off and brushed past the redhead to get the mug she left on the table in the living room.

That wasn’t supposed to happen. She wasn’t supposed to say that. She wasn’t supposed to admit that. It only made the ache worse than it already was. 

She had held back for as long as she could remember. For years, she had denied the truth to herself because she thought that it was only temporary. That it was only a rush of feeling. But as the years passed she realized that she was wrong.

How could she pull herself out from being way too deep when everything he did and showed her just seemed to pull her deeper? 

When she turned around to go back to the kitchen, Genya’s all too blinding grin was the first thing she noticed and it only exhausted her more. Now the redhead wasn’t going to let her live through this.

“Finally, after five long, agonizing years,” Genya said with a shake of her head, “you have finally admitted it to yourself.” She paused. “I want to cry, really.”

Zoya rolled her eyes, annoyed. She walked briskly to the counter and proceeded to prepare her own drink to calm herself down. “Go ahead and cry because it would never happen.” 

To her surprise, Genya only laughed loudly, like she knew something Zoya didn’t, and Zoya slowly turned around to face Genya with a look of disbelief.

“You’re not usually this blind and dense, my dear Zoya,” Genya mused, her eyes twinkling with amusement, and Zoya had the urge to wipe the expression off her face. 

“How would you know?”

“Zoya,” the redhead said, “Nikolai openly looks at you like you’re his whole world.” 

Zoya huffed, but wasn’t able to say anything more. The thought was too good to be true, and she could only smile sadly in return. Though she couldn’t help but remember when she would feel him looking at her, and when she looked back he would either give her a crooked grin or a wink before turning away, or when he would look over at her with concern in his eyes during their stressful weeks and he’d give her a thumbs-up to reassure her she was doing great. 

Sometimes Zoya would look back at those times and wonder if there could be a meaning behind those looks from Nikolai, and in the end she’d just brush it off because it was impossible for someone like him to love someone like her—the raven-haired storm who was ruthless and harsh and had a bad past.

She hadn’t noticed that her vision had already blurred until she felt her eyes sting, and the unwelcomed tears threatened to fall. 

A soft chuckle brought Zoya out from her thoughts, and she looked over to see Genya staring at her with a soft smile on her face. “You think too loud, Zoya. I can basically hear your thoughts just by looking at your expression,” she said as she walked over at Zoya. The redhead put her hands over Zoya’s shoulders, giving them a firm grip. “You deserve to be happy. Don’t let yourself think otherwise. You deserve so much more than what you give yourself credit for.

” 

Zoya laughed lightly, and the tears she had been trying to hold off finally fell. She looked away and wiped at her eyes. “Stop it, you’re making me soft,” she said with a mocking edge in her tone. “Seriously, I’ll get back to you for this.” 

Genya laughed and gave her a bear hug, to which Zoya returned almost reluctantly—she didn’t trust herself not to bawl if she hugged her back—and patted her back softly. “You love me, Nazyalensky, and I know you’ll look back at this moment and thank me for knocking some sense to you.”

“Who said you did?”

“Trust me, I’m sure.”

Zoya only laughed as a reply.

Genya bid her good night a little while later when she had gotten a text from David, and before she had gotten through the doorway, the redhead sent Zoya a last teasing look and she almost wanted to close the door on Genya’s face. 

When she finally closed the door after the redhead left, Zoya leaned over it for a moment to think of Genya’s words to her. 

She started to believe that Genya had done something to her when Zoya found herself hurriedly going to her room and putting on a hoodie from her cabinet. The small alarm clock on her night stand showed that it was only 18:50 and Nikolai’s last class ended at seven—there was still enough time to go see him tonight before whatever courage that had gotten to her wore off and disappeared.

At least twenty minutes later, Zoya found herself walking around the maze of hallways of the Engineering Department, looking around for the infuriating blond. It was a good thing that the campus closed at nine in the evening and she didn’t have any problems getting in. 

_I have to talk to him_ , was the only thing on her mind as she rounded the corner to the direction of their council room. He’d usually go there to check on the schedule for their activities before he went home, and Zoya could only hope he was really there.

The council room was nearing, and Zoya quickened her pace. He had to be there—

“You owe me legit owe me dinner, Nikolai.” 

Zoya stopped abruptly on her tracks when she heard a voice ahead. 

“Please, spare me.” 

In the distance, she saw two people going out of the council room, their backs to her and slowly walked in the opposite direction. It didn’t even need a genius to know who they were.

_Nikolai and Ehri._

Everything around Zoya stopped, and she felt something in her chest constrict. 

“Wow, you just admitted your undying love—”

Nikolai shoved the girl playfully, cutting her off in the process. “Stop,” he said with a light laugh. “Alright, fine. Dinner is on me.”

Oh.

_Oh_.

So he finally confessed to Ehri. Good for him.

Zoya blinked as she took an unwanted step back and watched the two bicker until they disappeared on the other end of the hall, her vision blurring all of a sudden. The stupid tears were here again, but this time, she didn’t bother wiping them as they fell down her face.

_This is how it should be,_ she thought—more like convinced—herself. _He deserves someone better than me._

She forced herself to turn her feet, walking back to the direction she came from, her heart heavy and slowly breaking.

_Nikolai openly looks at you like you’re his whole world._

Zoya huffed a bitter laugh, now finding no meaning at the redhead’s earlier words. She had known it—she should have believed her thinking, that that thought was too good to be true. She had been right all along. 

Nikolai didn’t return her feelings.

She let herself believe for a moment that maybe, just maybe, he did like her back at some point. But now, it all seemed too hazy like a faraway dream that only became much farther. All the looks, the quiet moments, the flirting and bickering—Zoya should’ve known better than to give any meaning to them.

How could Nikolai love someone like her, anyway?

He’d always be too far to reach for her. 

Zoya wiped at her eyes, frustrated with how the tears didn’t seem to stop. But she knew that she only had herself to blame for that. 

Because she had fallen in love with someone who could never be hers.

She loved him. 

She loved him more than she was willing to admit. 

All her fears and insecurities within herself were the reason why she had held back from openly admitting it to him, and now that same reason was also why she lost him now.

The thought of Nikolai finding someone else rarely ever crossed her mind, because she knew that they would always stay the way they were. Never once did she realize that it would hurt this much. 

It was ironic to think of it. She was probably bound to lose him one way or another. It just so happened that now was the time for that to happen, and she wished she had more time to prepare for the pain that had hit her.

Zoya wished she had more time with him.

Then again, it was too late. The inevitable was here. 

She could take this. She had already held back for years, and she could do it again. 

She just needed to learn how to let him go.

********************

Zoya glared at the sky that chose the perfect time to let the rain fall just as she was waiting for the bus to go home after her late shift.

It was almost half past eight on a Tuesday evening, but the transport hadn’t even arrived yet and she was already a little drenched from the rainfall, with the shed doing almost nothing of blocking off the patter.

She shielded a hand over her eyes to see through the rain, trying to look over at the intersection if the bus was somewhere near, only to be proven that it was futile. 

Zoya let out a frustrated groan over her luck today. She had forgotten her umbrella and jacket back at her place. It had been all too sunny when she left for campus at eight in the morning, that was why she hadn’t even bothered putting it inside her bag before leaving, which now she regretted not doing so.

She’d give it another ten minutes. If the bus still didn’t arrive, Zoya would take the taxi instead—which was never in her options. But tonight had added that choice to her list. 

Several minutes later, there was still no sign of the bus, and she sent an exasperated sigh to the sky again. The universe certainly didn’t like her today.

Just as she was about to step away from the shed, a familiar rev of an engine resounded and neared the stop, a midnight Buick pulling up by the curb in front of the waiting area.

The window rolled down, and Zoya saw the face of the person that she had been trying to avoid all day, let alone think of.

“Need a lift, truffle?” 

Even under her current circumstances, Zoya still hesitated. If it were some other time in the past, she would’ve accepted it in a heartbeat. But now, she wasn’t so sure. She wasn’t sure if she could be somewhere near him without feeling any pain in her chest.

“No, it’s fine. The bus is almost here.” I think, she added in thought. She forced a smile to her face—hoping that it didn’t look like a grimace—and waved a dismissive hand. “You go on.”

Nikolai frowned. “We both know you’d have to walk at the stop where you get off. And I know you haven’t brought anything with you. You’re going to get sick if you continue to stand there.” He gestured to the door and offered her a puppy look. “You’re hurting my pride by rejecting me, truffle.”

Zoya found herself laughing bitterly at his words. Screw him and his antics and words. But she found herself rushing towards the passenger door, still unable to resist him, and got inside albeit reluctantly.

“I hate you, you know that?” she said as she took the towel he offered her the moment she closed the door. She was awfully hit with the reminder of the same deed from weeks ago, when he had offered her a lift back to her apartment. 

Nikolai only grinned at her; that all too bright grin that brought out the vibrancy of his eyes. “Don’t worry, I adore you too,” he said with a wink. 

Zoya huffed a laugh and quickly looked away, trying to distract her raging thoughts. She desperately wanted him to stop with all this, this open flirting when he was already with someone else. 

It only made things _hurt._

“It’s late for you to be waiting back there. Overtime?” Nikolai asked, effectively breaking the choking silence, as he took a U-turn in the direction of Zoya’s place. 

“Yeah, something like that,” Zoya replied, not taking her eyes away from looking out the window. “How about you? You don’t have class after three.” 

“Just went somewhere.”’

Zoya looked at him sideways, taking in his demeanor. “It’s a surprise you’re not looking like you’re in need of sleep,” she said.

Nikolai chuckled. “I’ve been better.” 

_I hope I would be too._

Another uncomfortable silence stretched out, and Zoya didn’t know if it was just her feeling it around her. 

Probably. Between the two of them, she knew she was the only one having a hard time being near someone you’d yearned for years, and the worse thing was that you can never be. 

Zoya gripped the damp towel in her hands. “Look,” she started, “about the deal. We haven’t really talked about it after—after last week.”

Nikolai was silent, eyes dead-set on the road. He seemed to be in deep thought, but his expression changed a moment later and he glanced at her with a lopsided smile. “You don’t need to worry about that. Well, at least on my part,” he said. Then he added softly, “I already found her.”

He might as well have taken her heart out of her chest and crushed it to pieces, because Zoya was sure she could’ve handled that better.

“Oh, th—that’s good,” she forced out the words from her mouth and hoped that he wouldn’t notice her strangled tone. “At least I’d have no hard time finding someone for you anymore.”

Nikolai feigned a hurtful expression. “Harsh.”

“Honest,” she corrected half-heartedly, the word feeling hollow and empty.

The car took a right turn and they were on the familiar road that led to Zoya’s apartment complex. Just bear it for another minute.

When Nikolai finally pulled by the curb, she released a relieved breath she didn’t know she’d been holding for a while, and she wanted to bolt out from the car as soon as he put the engine off.

“Well, the good news about our deal, I’ve already set the one for tomorrow night. Same time, by the central park this time, though,” Nikolai said just as Zoya gripped the door handle. 

Zoya turned to him, already thinking of reasons to tell him that she didn’t want to do it anymore, but one look at him, the infuriating blond that had been one of the constants in her life, she found her mind blanking almost instantly. 

“It’s the last one, I promise you. If it still doesn’t work out, I’m cutting our deal off.” 

_There’s no one else._ “Sure,” she replied.

The grin Nikolai gave her was wide, the one that reached his eyes and made them radiate with warmth, and Zoya took the time to memorize and engrave it into her mind, like she still hadn’t already done that. It was only a matter of time before she’d never see it sent her way again. 

“Okay, good. Was kind of worried for a minute there.”

“You’re kidding? I’m doing you a favor.” 

Nikolai chuckled. “I guess this is another added debt on my list?” 

“You bet.” Zoya turned to open the door, but stopped and looked back at him. “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m glad you finally found her,” she said through the pain she felt while speaking the words to him. She dared to reach a hand up to touch his cheek lightly, and she felt him tense a little, his eyes widening for a fraction. “You deserve that.”

Zoya looked at him for too short and too long, hoping her eyes could say the things her mouth couldn’t.

_I’m happy for you._

_I hope she treats you right._

_I love you._

She pulled away reluctantly after a second, the moment slowly fading as she turned away to open the door. “Thank you for the lift. Good night,” she told him before she stepped out and closed the door behind her.

Each step she took as she walked away from him felt like going against a strong current that threatened to whisk her away, and Zoya never risked a glance back. 

_I love you_.

She thought of those three words one more time before she let them float away with the wind, hoping that it would carry them away and somehow reach him, and she finally let the tears fall from her eyes.

_This would be the last time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One part to goooo. :>
> 
> Also asking for prayers for the people in one of the provinces here in the Philippines who are under evacuation because of the Taal volcano's ongoing eruption, and prayers to the other countries experiencing natural disasters and calamities right now. Keep safe, everyone!


	7. Part VII

Zoya thumbed the sleeve’s edge of the button-down she was wearing, waiting for that someone Nikolai had setup for her tonight. She had actually hesitated to come, knowing that this would be another failed attempt, but she decided not to ditch it all because she’d be doing Nikolai a favor. 

Perhaps it’d take her time before she could pretend that everything would be the same between them again, before she could smile at him while her heart was already breaking inside, before she could accept that he was finally happy with someone that was not her.

Zoya sniffed involuntarily, shaking her head as she went back to gazing beyond the bay to the bright city lights of Adena.

She would do this for the last time.

_You had time to be honest, had the years to do so, and yet you still blew it,_ her mind berated. _So take it, Zoya._

“Thought you’d never come.”

Zoya froze, her hand gripping the metal railing too hard. She knew that voice too well, but she didn’t dare to turn. Was she really that hopeless enough to hear his voice inside her head?

_It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real—_

“Are you really going to pretend you didn’t hear me?”

That was when Zoya finally decided to look at the direction the voice came from, and it was only then she confirmed that she wasn’t hallucinating.

There was Nikolai, in his usual black long sleeves tucked into grey slacks, his glasses hung by the neckline of his shirt, and his eyes looked bare without the frames obscuring them. 

“There you go,” he said with a small smile, one hand coming to his pocket, his posture both stiff and nervous. A frown suddenly appeared on his face, and he reluctantly pointed a finger at her. “Wait, is that my button-down shirt?”

Apparently, the shock of seeing Nikolai here instead of someone else entirely had overcome the embarrassment of him seeing her using his shirt. But amidst the mix of emotions she was feeling at once, she couldn’t deny the other feeling that was starting to build—the wild hope.

“What are you doing here?” Zoya called out, almost too demandingly, eyebrows furrowed tightly in confusion. “What is happening?”

Nikolai sighed and gave her a lopsided smile. “I told you last night that you’d meet someone here, right?” he said, expression soft and hopeful. “Well, here he is.”

Everything seemed to stop. _He couldn’t be—_

But he was. He was already wearing his heart on his sleeve, baring his heart to her, finally wanting to end this dance that had been wearing them out for years. She could see it in his eyes, the yearning that he only seemed to have for her. For the first time in years, Zoya Nazyalensky felt scared. 

This was not the path she was expecting their conversation would go to. This wasn’t—

She involuntarily took a step back, and it was a big mistake. It only made Nikolai come closer to her. 

“Why are you doing this?” she said, her voice suddenly breaking from the desperation and making Nikolai freeze on his spot. She pulled away from the railings and faced him fully. The anger was slowly clouding the rational part of her mind. “Why do you still keep doing this?”

Nikolai opened his mouth, blinking repeatedly, his expression morphing into confusion. “I don’t get what you mean—”

“This!” Zoya’s voice raised into a shout and Nikolai flinched. If it were some other time she saw him like that, she would probably feel bad for him for lashing out. But the circumstances were different tonight, and Zoya was just tired. “Still making things harder for me while you’re with someone else?” 

“What?” Nikolai’s expression became even more puzzled, making Zoya even angrier. He huffed a laugh, as if he were insulted, but his expression never changed. “Someone else? Zoya, what the heck are you talking about?”

Zoya released a breath. “Who else would I pertain to? Ehri’s the one, right?”

There was a long silence, with the both of them only staring at each other long enough to see who would look away first. 

It was Nikolai, but he didn’t look away.

He actually _laughed_ instead.

Zoya had begun to think of ways to beat him the moment he started to, and she believed that he had already gone mad. “What’s your problem?”

“My problem?” Nikolai echoed. “You. You are my problem, Zoya.” He shook his head in obvious disbelief. “You’re not usually this blind.” 

“Humor me, Lantsov, because I’m sure as hell that I saw you two last night—”

“Oh, for the saints’ sake—”

“—and if you’re going to deny—”

“ _Damn it, Zoya, I love you_.” 

There it was out in the open, those three words she desperately wanted and dreaded to hear, and Zoya’s mind just stopped working altogether. It was the confession that she had imagined way too many times, and now that it was here, she found out that she hadn’t readied herself when that time came. 

He loved her. 

Nikolai, the purest human being Zoya had ever known, the one who always shone with light and optimism, the one she didn’t deserve even at the slightest chances, loved _her_. 

“I’m in love with you, Zoya Nazyalensky,” Nikolai repeated with all the conviction in his voice. 

Zoya opened her mouth to speak, but she couldn’t form the right words to say. “I—you can’t—you can’t be. You can’t love me.” Her voice was breaking as she spoke. She shook her head, vision blurring all of a sudden as she spoke the next words. “You _can’t_ love me.”

Nikolai laughed weakly, tears starting to fall from his eyes as he stepped into her space. He raised a hand and cupped her cheek, staring straight at her. “I’ve loved you even before the deal. I’ve loved you even before Genya planned to set us up that day,” he declared, wiping the tears from her cheek that had finally fallen. Zoya didn’t even realize she had already started crying. “I’ve loved you since the day you found me at the rooftop. I’ve loved you when you kicked me and told me to stop being a dumbfuck, and it saved me from my rejection. I’ve loved you for years, Zoya.”

He pressed on, “You kept me marching even when I didn’t want to anymore. You stayed up with me when I was restless almost every night. You saw me through my worst times and yet you were still there, Zo. You never left.” 

The tears seemed endless as Zoya still struggled to speak. Her throat had clogged up with too much emotion she was feeling at once. “What about—”

“She never liked me in that way,” Nikolai cut her off. “When you saw the two of us last Monday, she had actually been the one to knock some sense to me.” He paused to breathe, both of his hands coming up to her face and held her. “Ehri and I became close back then because we both have the same knack for music. But it never really went off from there and I already knew why.” He took a shaky breath and smiled softly down at her. “She was not you. The saints know how much I’ve tried look at others, but they were never you, Zoya.” He gave another laugh, and more tears fell from his eyes as he breathed, “You’re all I want.”

Zoya desperately tried to cling to the thought of pushing him away, tell him that she didn’t love him even one bit even when she already told him otherwise, watch him walk away from her, and things would never be the same between them again. The fears and insecurities were starting to seize the better part of her because she knew Nikolai deserved so, so much better.

She could handle it—she could take the pain and wait until it dulled before she could look at him again without her heart breaking at the mere sight of him. 

But she also knew that she would only continue hurting by lying to him and herself, and she was just done.

She was done holding back her feelings for this man before her, she was done with dancing around with him and thinking that she could never deserve someone like him, and Zoya pulled him down to her. 

Nikolai met her halfway, crashing his mouth to hers, and _oh_ , did it feel good. 

She wrapped her arms around his neck as his came around her waist, and she poured all her suppressed feelings into her kiss. The longing stares, the sneaking glances, the continuous flirting, the endless banter, all of them. She buried a hand in his hair and angled her head to the side, kissing him deeper, and when she felt his tongue nudge at her bottom lip, she felt her skin burn with pent up desire as she opened her mouth to him.

Zoya pulled away reluctantly later, when the need for air became more needed than each other’s lips, and she felt his lips trail kisses to her jaw. “I love you,” she breathed in his ear as she pulled him closer to her, feeling the weight on her chest lighten when she finally said those three words to him. She never thought she could love anyone after what happened to her years ago, but here she was, with the man she’d least expected to fall for. “ _Saints. I love you_.”

Nikolai pulled back and rested his forehead to hers, his eyes closed. “It was you,” he murmured, his breath ghosting over her lips. “It was you whom I was talking about last night. It was always _you_ , and no one else.”

“We could’ve actually saved some time if we weren’t so keen giving each other away,” Zoya half-laughed and half-cried, still in a daze of what was happening, but she couldn’t deny the utter happiness she was feeling right now. “I guess you’re not the only idiot anymore.”

They stayed in each other’s arms for a long moment, savoring the quiet and easy air around them before Nikolai pulled back again to look at her.

“But for the record,” he said, and Zoya felt his hand nudge at the collar of his button-down shirt she wore, “I’d been trying to find this for the past week, I didn’t even realize you hogged it.”

Zoya felt a light laugh bubble from her, voice still shaky from crying. “I’ve been planning to return this to you. I just didn’t know when.”

“You can keep it. It looks good on you, anyway.” Then he chuckled, the sound warm and welcoming. “Well, you’re quite lucky it comes with me as a freebie, if you’ll have me.”

Zoya huffed, narrowing her eyes. “You haven’t even asked me yet.”

The blond narrowed his eyes back, but she could see the obvious amusement twinkling behind them. “Alright, then.” He cleared his throat. “My ruthless truffle, you are phenomenal, and that still seems to be an understatement. No words can compare to you. Date me, maybe?” 

She snorted and shoved at his face playfully. “You’re an idiot, Nikolai.” 

Nikolai smiled at her fondly, and Zoya felt her heart just might burst. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

********************

On the other hand, Genya and David anxiously waited for the phone at the center of the table to light up with a text message. It had already been nearly an hour, and the redhead was already getting worried that it didn’t work.

“Are we still going to keep waiting for that?” David asked, tiredness obvious in his voice, but still held the excitement nonetheless. 

“Just wait.”

Several agonizing minutes later, David’s phone lit up, and both of them scrambled to pick it up. But Genya was the first one to grab hold of it and slap David’s hand away when he tried to take it from her.

Genya opened the message with a shaky hand and closed her eyes, sending a silent prayer to the saints before opening them again to read the message. 

Thankfully, it was from Nikolai.

The message didn’t say anything—just a crying and a party popper emoji, but it was enough to make Genya shout in joy and relief. She showed David the message, and the nerd also had the same reaction. 

“I can’t believe our betting pool has finally come to a finish.” David slumped back down to his seat. “We’ve reached more than a thousand for the last five years.”

A thought hit Genya, and she turned to David with a frown. “Hey, wait. Who won?” 

“Me, obviously.”

“What do you mean you? No, you placed a new bet they were going to confess by _last Monday._ ”

“Well, you placed a new bet that they were going to do it _tomorrow._ ”

Genya opened her mouth to protest, but she realized that the nerd was right, and it also meant that no one really won between the two of them. “What are we going to do with this?” 

“I don’t know, split it in half, maybe?”

“What? No, we don’t have the same amounts of bets from the start and you didn't bet an all-in—KOSTYK, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaaaand we're done. I apologize if it felt a little rushed or something omg. Thank you for sticking until the end. Love y'all and cheers to the works of the GVBB! :">


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